Man: How about once a week in the dining hall we serve sushi omakase?
Jess: Oh, oh, okay.
Ed: Guys, uh, plenty of time to run our suggestions by her. But I assure you she will be very amenable. She is a principal for the parents.
Jess: Uh, actually, um, no. I-I have to be honest here. I... That's not who I am. I'm not gonna be a principal for the parents. I'm gonna be a principal for the kids. Look, you all love your kids and they're yours to raise, but I'm an educator and I know how to educate. Colby, your son Vince had the handwriting of a Hungarian doctor. And that's why I encouraged him to sign up for calligraphy comics after school. He didn't want to do it, but look at him now.
Colby: I can finally read the captions for his disturbing images.
Jess: And Molly, do you remember how terrified Beatrice was of public speaking in the second grade? That's why I bumped her up to fourth grade debate team.
Molly: Yeah, she made a toast at my brother's wedding. I mean, besides one racist joke, she killed.
Jess: Ed, when I met Samanthia, math was her least favorite subject. Now she's doing fractions and loving it. And yeah, she didn't win a demathlon medal and I know that stung, but it made her want to get better. And isn't that what school is for? Look, I think challenging your children prepares them for the real world. And if given the chance, I think I can help your kids and this school reach its full potential. And if that's not what you want, and I'm not the right fit, then I can live with that. [applause]

Winston: Genevieve, I got you something. Something to remember me by.
Genevieve: Oh. [takes out a plant] Shouldn't this be in a pot?
Winston: Oh, Genevieve. You don't know anything.

Nick: I'm so glad I'm doing this. You know, it was weird this morning in the shower... just me and tattoo you. I was the only one who was naked.
Jess: You know, we could loan you the money to remove it.
Nick: I don't like debts.
Tattooist: All finished, guys.
[The tattoo has been extended with Jess and Winston]
Schmidt: Glad we all talked ourselves into thinking that this somehow makes the nightmare better.
Winston: Nick, I just want to say... I really think...
Nick: I'm not getting a damn cat on my leg. Drop it.

Jess: I've wanted this forever and I came so close at my last school. Like, champagne and Prosecco close.
Nick: So, if you find marijuana in a locker, it's yours now. Ours now. It could just be part of the loft. We could just put it in a... Congratulations.
Jess: You just got yourself two weeks detention, Mr. Miller.
Nick: What? But I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything!

Schmidt: You know who hasn't even gotten us a present yet?
Nick: I have a year.
Cece: He has a year.
Nick: I have a year!

Jess: All right, everyone. Report to the principal's office, where I will be sitting behind the desk because... I might be principal!
Nick: Congrats!
Schmidt: That's great!
Cece: What do you mean, could be principal?
Jess: Well, I just had a very interesting talk with my boss, Genevieve.
[flashback:]
Genevieve: Jess, I am dying.
Jess: What? Oh, my God!
Genevieve: Dying to leave Banyon Canyon and launch my own elementary school at sea.
Jess: Oh. You scared the bejesus out of me.

Jess: But I'm not even in it for the cabbage. I want to change lives. And finally, I can implement some of my programs school-wide, like the math decathlon... the demathlon.

Jess: I love Parents' Day! Matching names to e-mail addresses, puttin' big people in little chairs.
Genevieve: Admiring all that sweet daddy derriere.
Jess: Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Genevieve: Good. More for me.

Genevieve: Um, Ed, have you met our vice principal?
Jess: Jessica Day. I'm a big fan of your work and by your work, I mean the child you created. Not to suggest that it was work making her. I'm sure it was fun. I mean... I hope it was fun. Ed, if you're gonna ask me sex advice, please buy me a glass of wine first. Anyway, switching gears. I'd love to discuss the, uh, principal vacancy.
Ed: As would I. N-not now. Now's not a great time. I have, um, uh... Goodbye.
Genevieve: [to Jess] You beefed it, love. You beefed it hard.

Nick: I just... you guys are like my family. I want to get you something great. Something unique, personal.
Schmidt: Oh, Nick. And while you clearly don't understand what a registry is... I appreciate the sentiment. Nick... I don't say this lightly... I release you from the registry.
Nick: Great.
Schmidt: Buy us a gift of your choosing.
Nick: What-what I want to get you.
Schmidt: Whatever you want. The world is yours. Fly, my little hummingbird.
Nick: [to himself] 'Cause I can get you anything. Oh... this was a double-edged coin.