Schmidt: Is that the Vitalstir 3,000 from my registry?
Nick: Oh, no, I've had... I've had this forever.
Schmidt: It came out last year.
Nick: Did it? I've had it for a year. No, I'm just doing what I always do. Nicky Miller makin', uh, his famous guacamole. Like I always do. Nick Miller's famous guacamole. [blender rumpling] See ya later. I'll call you when it's done! Fine. [blender stops] It's from your registry. I bought it, I brought it home but I can't give it to you. I am freaking out about what to get you.
Schmidt: Well, Nick why don't you just give us this blender that's on the list of stuff that I want?
Nick: Because I feel trapped by this registry. It's a list made by robots.
Schmidt: Nick, not everything is robots! Winston puts one walkie-talkie into a mailbox...
[flashback to Nick putting a letter into an USPS mailbox:]
Winston: [over walkie-talkie] Thank you for your letter. Yum!

Jess: I'm making this for Genevieve. I'm... I gotta convince her to make my case to Ed.
Winston: My man, Ed. Listen Jess, I could go ahead and give him a call if you like. All you have to do is say the word.
Jess: No, no, no, no. This is no country for James Wonder. I'm not having you go undercover at school again. No offense, but you kind of fell out of your dress when Genevieve came on to you.
Winston: I did get rattled. I have a girlfriend, and I adore Aly. But everything else I'm doing seems to be working because Ed loves me. You know, he wants James to landscape his yard. So I drew him four sketches.
Jess: Wow. Winston, these are actually really good.
Winston: I don't remember drawing these. I woke up this morning, and they were under my pillow.

Schmidt: Nick, whatever you get us, we're going to love. It... it doesn't matter.
Nick: I don't know what to get you, and it matters, it matters!
Schmidt: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter! Just get us something! There's a registry. You go on it, and you pick something! Now you've got Schmidt all cranked up.
Nick: You're cranked up?
Schmidt: Yeah, I got to go to the arcade now and blow off steam!
Nick: I didn't mean to crank you up.

Genevieve: I know what you're doing. Jess, I have told you I can't afford to get involved in school politics.
Jess: Please, Genevieve. I'm begging you.
Genevieve: There's no delicate way to say this so I'm going to be... incredibly cruel. They don't like you. At all.
Jess: Ow.
Genevieve: They despise you.
Jess: All right. I got it.
Genevieve: "Get rid of Jess."
Jess: Yikes.
Genevieve: These aren't my words, Jess. I'm just repeating what I'm hearing. "Jess is the worst."
Jess: Okay.
Genevieve: "Can't stand the sight of her."
Jess: Don't need all of it.
Genevieve: Do you understand what I am saying?

Jess: Oh, jeez, Genevieve, stop flirting, get to me!
Schmidt: Are you shouting at a podcast again, Jess? You know it can't hear you, right?
Jess: Shh!

Nick: I'm about to gift your brains to pieces.
Schmidt: You got to real pull-the-rip-cord-while- still-in-the-plane kind of vibe, Nick.
Nick: It's a little something from me... to you.
Schmidt: All right.
Nick: Or, more accurately, on me. Check it out. I got the best gift. [reveals leg tattoo] It is your faces, but it's not your bodies.
Cece: Wow!
Nick: I didn't have a full body shot so... they picked the bodies.
Schmidt: Is that Pretty Woman?
Nick: This is from the movie Pretty Woman and it's on me forever. Say something. Say something.
Cece: It-it's cute, it's really cute.
Nick: I really did it. Talk to me about how happy you are. It's on me forever.
Schmidt: I know we're on you forever and ever, until you're buried in a non-Jewish cemetery.
Cece: And now we-we owe you a... a thank you card. Just don't know where I'm gonna find the words to express all of the emotions that I'm feeling right now.

Genevieve: I can't find anything about you online, James. Not even the darknet.
Winston: Oh, I was gonna say, you checked the darknet, yeah? I'm usually on there, they usually got some stuff about me.

Jess: Hey!
Winston: Oh, thank God. Jess... ica Day.
Jess: I can't believe you guys are all at my favorite restaurant. Hey, does anyone have a red landscaping truck? 'Cause it's getting towed. Anyone? Red landscaping truck?
Winston: No, mine's white.
Jess: Well, it could be white. It's getting towed.
Winston: I-I did take the red one today. Yeah, can't let that get towed. My crew is napping in the back.

Nick: "Sincerely"? "Sincerely"? "Dear Nick, thanks for the tattoo. "Sincerely, S and Cece." You guys hate my gift?
Schmidt: No, we don't hate it, we love it, I see it every time I blink.
Nick: You guys want to see it?
Schmidt: It's okay.
Nick: Ah, I'll show it anyhow. Check it out. There's an ingrown hair that gives Cece a bit of a Rudolph nose. And when I flex my feet it makes you guys fatter. Look. Fat, look how fat your face looks, Schmidt. You have the fattest face in the world.
Schmidt: All right, stop it! Stop the horror! We hate the gift. It's disgusting.
Cece: It is disgusting.
Schmidt: You've ruined your leg.
Cece: It is like you stole our souls.
Schmidt: You depicted my wife as a common street whore.

Ed: Remember to bring your pets to school next week for human zoo day. Yeah. Oh, and I'd also like to let everyone know that we are switching back from this soap to this soap, okay? So just be aware. Next, I would like to offer my personal endorsement of Jessica Day as our next principal.
Jess: All right, well, first, I'd love to open up the floor to questions. Anybody? Oh, wow, okay.
Man #1: Can you get rid of the white lines in the parking lot? They're very restrictive.
Jess: I think they're for...
Man #2: Shouldn't we designate the green space for European-style football?
Woman: And for Tofu Tuesday, can we get a more balanced juice pairing?