Winston: Excuse me? Can you tell me where I can find my son's cubby?
Jess: Winston! What are you doing here? And before you answer that question, get out of here!
Winston: Winston? Can't you read? You said I couldn't do it, but I did it. I am deep undercover right now.
Jess: No one's gonna believe you're a parent here.
Ed: Jimmy-dubs! Where'd you go?
Winston: I needed a refill on the java, E-dawg.
Jess: Oh, my goodness! I see you've already met and also, already have '90s hip-hop nicknames for each other.

Cece: Look, I know what you're struggling with right now, okay? You want to get us something that's unique.
Nick: It's got to be great. It's got to be from me to you.
Cece: Alright, here's a little exercise... close your eyes. Now, first thing that comes to your mind. Imagine something that is unique, it's permanent.
Nick: I got it! [stands up]
Cece: Okay, you got to open your eyes before you go, you drunk.
Nick: Let me give you the, uh, keys so you can close up. Oh, no. I put two hands in at the same time again. I did it again.

Jess: Winston.
Winston: You need to say the words, Jess.
Jess: I need your help.
Winston: I need your help, who?
Jess: I need your help, James Wonder.
Winston: Well, then, my help you shall have. [takes off glasses] What'd he say? Is he going to help?

Jess: Here is your mission. You're going too down to Brickfield and you're going to facilitate a conversation about me with Ed...
Winston: My man.
Jess: ...and Genevieve.
Winston: I'm out.
Jess: Please, Winst... James Wonder.
Winston: She wants to have sex with me.
Jess: I know you love Aly, but James Wonder is still grieving. Lean into the character. This is your chance to prove that you can do undercover work. Please?
Winston: All right, I'll do it. Under one condition. That I... No, I don't have any conditions.
Jess: Okay.

Jess: That's what he's mad at? My version of the demathlon is way less rigorous than the South Korean teacher I copied it from.

Genevieve: Who are you, James Wonder?
Winston: I'm just a... a combination of my two favorite singers.

Ed: This is an unexpected treat.
Jess: Well, I'm happy to have ran into you because, um... I've been thinking, and... I'm canceling the demathlon.
Ed: Really?
Jess: Yeah.
Ed: But I thought you loved the math decathlon?
Jess: It's a holdover from my old public school days. It's unnecessarily competitive. Old habits die hard.
Genevieve: That's true, you know, I still eat a ton of meat and I've been vegetarian for years. Like, a ton. A ton of meat.
Ed: I mean, I didn't realize you were so amenable. Hey, actually, Samanthia loves puppets. What would you say if I asked you to introduce ventriloquism into the curriculum? And do less math?
Jess: I'd say... [in puppet voice] You got it!
Ed: Great.

Nick: Fine, you don't want it? You can't have it. I'll get it removed and we can go about our lives again in a week.
Cece: You know it costs, like, two grand and takes a year or something, right?
Nick: Well, I did not know that. Okay? I didn't know that. Well, that really sucks for me. But fine, then that's your present.
Schmidt: That's not a present. Look Nick, I appreciate you trying to do something meaningful for us, but just give us the blender you bought.
Nick: Well, the jokes on you, I burnt out the motor making a bubble gum smoothie.
Schmidt: You're back on the registry then.
Nick: I won't do it! It's a list made by robots.
Schmidt: Idiot! Trying to get me something meaningful! The only thing meaningful to me is the blender!