Nick: [groans] Oh, my God! This is real!
Schmidt: Probably your lateral sizer.
Nick: Shut up!
Jess: Can you just...
Nick: Okay, let's go. [screams]
Schmidt: Rotator cuff?
Jess: Can I...? What do you need?
Nick: Nothing from you. Please go far from me right now. I can taste my spine.
Schmidt: Three or four down there ... vertebrae.
Nick: Why is no one helping me? [to Jess] Not you! Not you!

Winston: Oh! What did you do? You hit my car!
Nick: I'm okay. [Winston groans] Oh, Winston, relax.
Nick: Okay? Relax. That's all I did. I did this. The rest was already there. Actually, I think I undid a dent there.

Schmidt: It's time for you to buy a new car, man.
Winston: You buy a new car!
Schmidt: I bought a new car. It's what you borrow every morning when this one makes the weird sound. [imitates squealing, moaning engine]
Sherman: That's not a good sound.
Winston: Just give me the keys.
Schmidt: You shouldn't call them keys. It's a paperclip that you start the car with.

Jess: We were playing football, and I tackled him.
Nick: Oh. Well, that's not exactly how I saw it.
Sadie: Oh, I'm surprised you got hurt. You're such a big boy. Jess tackled a girl I was dating once.
Jess: Oh, yeah. She tried to steal my overalls.

Sadie: So... listen. This is not an official examination, and I am not officially telling you that you bruised your spine, and I am not officially giving you these pills to manage the pain.
Nick: Okay.
Sadie: So... please don't take those pills.
Jess: Take the pills.
Sadie: Don't take those pills.
Jess: Take the pills.
Sadie: Nobody prescribed them.
Jess: Take them. Take them.
Sadie: Why would you take them? No. That's bad.
Jess: That's a code. Take them. That means do it.
Sadie: Don't do that. No... Those are designed for severe menstrual cramps, so they should cure your baby back ache.
Jess: "Baby backache."

Sadie: Yeah, he has a growth.
Jess: Oh, my God. A growth.
Nick: Oh, no. Everything works. I can swallow.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Nick: Everything's fine. I know what you're talking about.
Jess: You knew about this?
Nick: Yes.
Sadie: So you've had it checked out?
Nick: No, no, I don't... I don't have that stuff checked out. I'm fine.

Jess: You're going. And I know your scared, but you know what my mom used to do when I got scared? A Daffy Duck impression.
Nick: Please don't do what you're about to do.
Jess: [imitating Daffy's lisp] Hey, Nicholas. I'm sorry you have a lump in your throat. That's despicable! [normal voice] Sorry. Too much?

Nick: You told them, Jess? Really, it's not a big deal. Don't tell them.
Schmidt: We're just hanging out. [somberly] With my best friend.
Nick: Come on, Schmidt. What are you do...? [Schmidt kisses Nick] You just Fredo-kiss me? What's your problem? Go sit down.
Winston: You're going to beat this, man.
Nick: I don't have anything. What is going on with you guys?

Nick: What's with the long faces? Schmidt?
Schmidt: Just looking at you and your beautiful soul. Big, strong Nick.
Winston: He's a champ.
Schmidt: I wish I could trade places with you, 'cause you know what, Nick? I would do it in a second. But I'm also glad that I can't.

Schmidt: It's so sad.
Cece: Yeah, it's really sad your friend's getting an ultrasound tomorrow.
Schmidt: It's just so hard.
Cece: Are you using your best friend's medical crisis to feel my boobs with your face?
Schmidt: Why isn't the whole world making love all at the same time?