‘Injured’
Season 1, Episode 15 - Aired March 6, 2012
Nick has a health scare after a football injury leads to a check-up.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Hey, hey. My friends. Can I just say that these pills are amazing? I feel, like, really warm in my uterus. Oh! I feel good. Feel real good.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Are you sure you're okay? You're walking like a Disney witch.
Quote from Schmidt
Jess: Let me drive you to your doctor.
Nick: I don't have a doctor. I don't have insurance.
Schmidt: Nick, you need to see a doctor, if only to make sure that your junk is clean.
Quote from Jess
Jess: So she's fitting us in between patients.
Nick: [groans as he looks around] Jess? Is Sadie a gynecologist?
Jess: No, she's an OB/GYN.
Nick: [groans] I'm going to go.
Jess: It's a different thing.
Nick: I'm going to get out of here, actually, I think.
Jess: Yeah? I don't think you are. [Nick groans] Nick, she's a wizard with a speculum. Nick!
Nick: I don't have a vagina.
Older Woman: You can take mine. [chuckles]
Jess: I heard that, sister.
Older Woman: True dat.
Jess: Okay, you know what, Nick? I'm sorry that my only doctor friend is a gynecologist, but you're broke, so you're going to have to shut your mouth, and you're going to tag the things that you want in this Lucky magazine.
Quote from Schmidt
Sherman: We're gonna have to put this baby to bed.
Winston: No. No, no, no, Sherman, look, uh, I don't think you understand, man. This car's been with me through everything, so... if you could just fix it.
Sherman: This is not really officially a car anymore.
Schmidt: You didn't even buy the thing. It was given to you as an illegal recruitment gift from a college you didn't even go to.
Winston: Things happened in this car.
Schmidt: Like what? Desert Storm?
Quote from Cece
Cece: Hey.
Nick: Hey.
Cece: So I heard.
Nick: Of course you did.
Cece: Can I get a vodka soda?
Nick: [chuckles] Thank you. You being normal...
Cece: Vodka soda.
Nick: Okay.
Quote from Nick
Nick: I don't want you talking at my funeral!
Jess: Okay.
Nick: You can go to my funeral, but you can't talk. My funeral is my time to shine. I want the girls to think, "I wish I brought Nick Miller to orgasm." And I want the guys to think, "I wish I bought him more stuff." And I don't want Daffy Duck voices and feeling sticks. You don't... you don't know how to be real. I can't have you trying to cheer people up.
Jess: I know how to be real.
Nick: Question: Am I wearing a hat?
Quote from Nick
Nick: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This is stupid! No, it's cold! My testicles are in my abdomen! What was I thinking?
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: You know what I'm thinking about, Ceec?
Cece: What, Schmidt?
Schmidt: That when you stand up, there's gonna be, like, a perfect imprint of your butt in the sand.
Cece: That is what you're thinking about right now with your best friend down the beach going through what he's going through?
Schmidt: I know, I know.
Cece: Then why would you say that?
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Nick, go out ten yards, cut left. Winston, go long, post right. Jess, go down, out towards the parking lot. Get in the car. We'll meet you back at the loft.
Jess: Oh, very funny. You're a comedian, Schmidt.