Winston: [chuckling] Another guy just collapsed out there. Oh, but the Good Samaritan to the rescue. Oh, damn. Good Samaritan just collapsed. Oh! And UPS guy to the rescue! And the UPS guy just collapsed. Ah, lady stealing packages... Ah... Oh! And the lady just collapsed. Whoo. You know, I'm actually kind of getting chilly in here.

Winston: [to Schmidt] You leave me with no choice.
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Winston: [to Cece] Ma'am! I'm gonna ask that you please remove your headphones now!
Cece: What?
Winston: Do you know why I asked you to remove your headphones?
Cece: Why are you talking so loud? Do you have a cranberry stuck in your ear again?
Schmidt: Winston found his cop voice.
Cece: Oh...
Winston: Ma'am! Why are you avoiding an audition when you know damn well it's important to you?
Schmidt: Don't do this.
Winston: Get back in your vehicle, immediately! Ma'am, please answer the question. Why are you avoiding an audition? And do not say that you are not, because I know that you are, so tell me why! Why?! Why?! Why?! Now, damn it, speak!
Cece: What if I'm not good enough? It's my dream job, and what if I can't do it, okay?
Schmidt: What? Cece, you're the most talented...
Winston: Sir, stand down!
Schmidt: Winston, you stand down. Go play softball against the fire department or whatever it is you do.
Winston: That's not till Wednesday.

Schmidt: You know that thing you said before about you not being talented enough? You didn't mean that, right?
Cece: Yeah, I did. Newscasters are amazing.
Schmidt: But so are you.
Cece: Come on, Schmidt, okay? I'm a bartender and a model.
Schmidt: [Southern accent] Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle.
Winston: Yes, do it, baby.
Cece: "Vehicle"? What vehicle?
Schmidt: The metaphorical vehicle that is holding you back.
Cece: Oh.
Winston: Don't explain yourself. Just go with it.
Schmidt: You are a brilliant, amazing woman, who is capable of anything.
Winston: Okay, maybe drop the Southern accent.
Schmidt: [New York accent] What, you got mozzarell in your ears? You're, uh, get out of your own way, lady, huh?
Winston: Uh, tr-try, Law & Order... uh, Hargitay.
Schmidt: I've got a past and it affects my job. And my relationships... I can't really do a Mariska.

Winston: Blackout. ATM's are down. Cash is king and batteries is queen.
Schmidt: What? Stop being so whimsical, Winston.
Schmidt: Cece still hasn't called me back. I think I pushed her too far.
Winston: No, Schmidt, you did the right thing, man. Look, people get mad at police officers because we tell them what they don't want to hear. Yet, everyone loves police officer... [cop voice] Hey, it's a blackout, not the Rapture! You yield! All right! Hey, hey, hey, sir, sir! Keep it moving! Keep it moving! Keep it moving! Come on, right this way, ma'am. Right this way, ma'am. Right this way, ma'am. Right that way, ma'am. Sir, go, go, go! We ain't got all day!

Reagan: Hey, guys. How are you doing? Well, everything here looks normal.
Nick: Welcome to The Ranch.
Reagan: I don't know what that means.
Nick: Have a seat.
Reagan: Why would I do that?
Nick: It'll cool you right off. You'll love it.
Reagan: Ooh. Is that chair supposed to be wet?
Nick: It is.
Reagan: I... Okay.
Nick: And away we... cool! Check it out!
Reagan: It feels like somebody is learning to whistle very close to my face.
Nick: That's right, it does. [loudly] She said it feels like someone's whistling close to her face! I never thought of that. It's another plus.
Reagan: No. No, it's not.

Nick: Whatever. More breeze for us. I'm gonna grab some old underpants and I'll put a pair in the freezer for each of you. Trust me, I'm wearing frozen underwear right now, and I feel amazing. So, I'm in good shape.

Schmidt: Cece's got a big audition today to be a reporter. She's been taking broadcasting classes.
[flashback:]
Cece: Any way you slice it, that cafeteria pizza is a great deal. You know, in fact, I'm getting a little hungry myself. How about you, Carl?
Carl: I thought the next thing I was supposed to talk about was the rain.
Cece: It is, Carl. I was just having a little banter.
Carl: Oh. Um... I... uh, I had a sandwich so... I'm full.

Nick: My guys. Hey, who needs Reagan's A/C, right? Here. Put some of my old underwear on your face. It feels great.
Schmidt: Oh, Nick... you're gonna make a great dad. I'll see you later.

Nick: Hey! Who needs him, huh?
Winston: Yeah.
Nick: We got each other.
Winston: Yeah.
Nick: We've been through worse.
Both: Chicago!
Winston: City of soup, you know?
Nick: Yes, sir.
Winston: So I'm gonna go take a shower. I'll be back in a hot minute. Or, as we say on a day like today... a minute.

Nick: Look who it is! What happened? The A/C fall over and squish Winston's cat? [laughing] Oh, my God, please don't tell me that happened. I would die.
Reagan: I just came out here to tell you that it's actually really nice in there.
Nick: It's really nice right here, with my underpants on my face.