Schmidt: The "Backwards Oops."
Coach: What is "backwards oops"?
Winston: You don't want to put it... mm.
Coach: You don't know what it means.
Winston: I mean, I don't... I've done it, I've done it, but I didn't know I was doing it. You know, it was...

Schmidt: Guys, hang out here anytime you want. Even now. Who's thirsty? Right there.
Coach: Dude!
Winston: Shut up! Damn, man. You're like James Bond. But I'll be I'll be Moneypenny for sure.
Coach: Yeah.
Winston: Wait, which one is Moneypenny?
Coach: It's the woman.
Winston: Oh.

Berkley: It was a classic fatherhood metaphor. No, my-my point is you just need to face her and let her get it all off her chest.
Nick: Oh, I feel like I've done that.
Jess: No, you didn't. You just talked and talked about nothing for 30 minutes.
Berkley: Okay, look, I know it's hard. I know that, man. I'm here and I'm hearing it. I mean, when Jess and I did this, I think we cried for, like two days?
Jess: I mean, at least. But look. Now I have such a good friend, and we talk all the time, and he's such a good listener.
Berkley: Say what? I can't hear you. [both laugh]
Nick: Is this real? You guys saw each other naked, and now you're friends?
Jess: Yes, it's the purest form of friendship. Straight Leno and Eubanks. [Berkley giggles]

Nick: Okay, I took your advice.
Berkley: What do we got? "My bad. Let's be friends, 'kay?"
Nick: Smooth, but tough.
Jess: That's not good, Nick.
Berkley: Friendship is a, um it's like a beautiful flower. You have to nourish it, okay? You can't just buy it at a store.
Nick: All right. First of all, it was a draft, okay, and I'll fix it. And second of all, with all due respect, you can buy a flower at a store. [laughs] Millered!

Schmidt: I know as an angel you usually sleep in heaven, but would you care to spend the evening at my place?
Sarah: I think maybe I would.
Schmidt: Fantastic choice. Here's my address. There's usually no place to park.
Sarah: Well, so where would I...?
Schmidt: You're a big girl. You'll figure it out. [leaves, returns] Uh, just tr-try south of Sixth. There's usually a string of open spaces down there. And there's not a right turn on red on Fifth, just FYI.

Leslie: Oh, hi. Are you Schmidt's friend?
Schmidt: What? Sch-Schmidt's friend?
Coach: [enters] Where you at? 'Cause I'm ready to ea... [squeals] Hey! My good friend Frank Scabopolis! Ah, give me a hug, you Greek son of a bitch! Come here!

Coach: What are you doing?
Schmidt: What are you doing? And t-tell her that I'd like to be reimbursed for those strawberries.
Coach: What? Dude.
Schmidt: Why is she calling you Schmidt?
Coach: I told her my name was Schmidt in case we saw your mail.
Schmidt: I don't just leave mail out. This isn't a small business. Get out.

Coach: Dude, I'm about to seal the deal. I'm not getting out.
Schmidt: I'm about to I'm- I'm a deal sealer.
Coach: I'm about to get some squish, dude, and you need to not get in between that.
Schmidt: I'm about to nail it into the wall.
Coach: Dude, I'm about to take down that va-dragon. I'm about to pin the tail on the va-donkey, dude. You better not stand in the way of this.
Schmidt: Don't call her a va-donkey. I don't even know her well and I want her to leave, but please don't call her - a va-d va-donkey.
Coach: I won't.
Schmidt: All right.

Berkley: May, 2004. You brushed my hand at Dave Matthews concert during "Two Step."
Nick: "Two Step"?
Jess: Oh, my God.
Berkley: Or that time that I helped you move, and I came over, I was wearing sweatpants. You couldn't stop staring at my rig.
Nick: She loves looking at rigs.
Jess: Why are you calling it a rig?!
Berkley: You're doing it again.
Nick: [pounding on door continues] One second, Caroline!

Schmidt: Coach, you stay with your girl who thinks that you're me in my bedroom. Winston, you stay in the guest room with Bertie doing whatever the hell it is you guys are doing.
Coach: Gross.
Schmidt: I'm gonna keep Sarah... Almost there! I'm gonna keep Sarah in the living room, using one of the living-dining-open-floor-plan bang spots. Now, no exits, no entrances, no Noises Off baloney. Capeesh? Confirm my capeesh!
Coach: [gibberish]
Winston: Capeesh!
Schmidt: Let's go. Do it. All right. [they go off in seperate directions] Guys, guys.
Coach: This is the exact type of baloney that I'm talking about. Unbelievable. Guys, guys! I'm really glad that we're doing this.