Jess: Okay, fine, I don't know where the vacuum is. That is one reason why I came here, but I really want you to come home. Everything's falling apart without you. Nick and Winston are fighting all the time. And all of us lost our keys to the mailbox. Schmidt, just listen to me, because you don't belong here, like, really. Do you remember when you got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? How about when you dress up like Shia Labeouf from Wall Street Two for Halloween? Do you remember when you said jazz music was America's greatest mistake?
Schmidt: Say it in drums, Jessica Day. Me hablo drums.

Jess: Can you believe I found this on the street? Who would want to throw this away?
Schmidt: A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? Get rid of it, Jess ... pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Winston: Okay, this is a good segue. [sighs] Um, can I talk to you about something that's kind of tough?
Nick: Yeah, man, shoot.
Winston: [reading] "The subject of this talk is the debt of money between us. I feel that..."
Nick: Oh, man! I thought this was about something serious. You set that up like it was about something different. This is about the poker? Oh, I'll pay you your money. Relax.
Winston: "If I am reading this section, then I can only assume you have told me to relax.
Nick: You wrote that?
Winston: "Let me assure you I am very relaxed, although I have good reason not to be, as you owe me a very large sum."
Nick: I will pay you the money, you clown.
Winston: "I am aware that we're both broke, one of us embarrassingly so. Points to Nick. I have recently tumbled down the socioeconomic ladder and have hit rock bottom, where you, Nick Miller, have been waiting patiently for the past 15 years. But I want that money. Give me my money. I really mean it. It's my money. You owe me that money, so give me my money."
Nick: Seriously. Are you finished?
Winston: "Where is the money, dude?"
Nick: You wrote "dude"?
Winston: "But I am not without pity. I am willing to just call it an even $200."

Nick: Everything let go with just $200?
Winston: Right.
Nick: All right, I can do $200. $200? Two hundo clean?
Winston: Yep.
Nick: All right. I did pay for gas here, though. So that's, let's say, ten bucks. So we're at $190. We'll say clean $190. I hate to be this guy... but I got the fights on Friday, so that's $30. So let's call it $160 and be done with it. $20 for beer that night, so $160 takes us to $140. Just to be fair. [Winston gets up] And I didn't write a stupid letter about it. But let's say right now $140. You ate a lot of the nachos! [Winston throws the letter on the ground] Littering! $15 for littering!

Jess: I can't believe I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt, you are legitimately crazy.
Schmidt: I think we're all a little bit crazy, don't you think, Jess?
Jess: No, I mean, you're like aging-ballerina, child-chess-prodigy, professional-magician crazy.
Schmidt: It's my mom's fault ... you know, I come from a Jewish family, but she used to tell me the reason Santa didn't come to our house was because my room was dirty. The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate. That's why I got fat.
Jess: Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork.
Schmidt: It's because you didn't have any structure. You know what I mean? That's what happens when you don't have any rules.
Jess: None of these people have rules. Especially that guy. He's wearing ladies' bikini bottoms.
Schmidt: Jess, I'm not like these people, okay? I don't have dreadlocks. I don't own a snake. And I don't understand how these people think that they're relaxed, because they're not ... they just have nothing to do. That's not me. It's not that easy for me.
Jess: Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt. Just be spontaneous.

Nick: Well, look, Jess, being friends with Schmidt is really complicated. 'Cause you want to change him so badly, but you can't 'cause he'll just get worse.

Cece: Okay, Schmidt, you... you really need to learn to take a breath and calm down, all right? We're just being a little spontaneous.
Schmidt: Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: spontaneous, flexible, easy-going." I'm like a Marine.
Cece: You're nothing like a Marine.
Schmidt: I'm totally like a Marine. All right, you know what? Fine... I'm... I'm out of here. [takes off loafers] Take these, and take care of them ... I can get a tetanus shot, but I can't cure damaged suede.

Schmidt: Where's my burr coffee grinder?
Jess: Oh, you know, I think it's in the hutch.
Schmidt: You put it in the hutch? The... aah, this thing was on the street.
Jess: It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt. I think it'll be okay.
Schmidt: A top-of-the-line conical burr coffee grinder. You know what that means? It means it doesn't smash up the beans like some pedestrian blade grinder. It actually grinds them, for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile!
Jess: Oh. Well, I've used it repeatedly to make homemade crayons. Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt?

Schmidt: Here? You're dropping me off here? R-Right in front of this obvious pickpocket? Look at the size of that guy. He's clearly new homeless. We're a mile away from the loft, Cece.
Cece: I'm not getting caught with you.
Schmidt: I'm gonna have to run all the way home. And I have my slippiest loafers on.
Cece: If I were you, I would get walking right now. You're never gonna get home before dawn.
Schmidt: Okay, look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us, but you cannot just call me at anytime and just summon me for intercourse. I have no control here, and I'm stressed out all day long. It's like you're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga. I'm totally falling apart.

Jess: Aah! Schmidt makes me so mad! I want to put one thing, one thing in the living room, and he won't let me. I'm not putting up with this.
Nick: Oh, yes, you are. We live in a fragile ecosystem. It's a delicate balance.
Jess: It's a broken ecosystem, dominated by an apex predator.
Winston: Chill out, Jess. We let him run the house, no big deal. The boy cooks and cleans ... and happily, I might add.
Nick: Yeah, he probably couldn't sleep last night 'cause he was so excited to clean up after us.
Winston: I know he's been bad lately, but... Schmidt's an odd bird. He can't handle it when things aren't clean and orderly. It's been that way since the day he moved in.