Schmidt: What the...? What is happening...? I can't take this right now. What, do we live in a pawnshop?
Jess: Hey, Schmidt.
Schmidt: [chuckles] Hey, Jess. What, uh... Where did all this come from?
Jess: I found the afghan underneath a Dumpster outside an animal shelter. And I found the lamp underneath the afghan.
Schmidt: I'm gonna assume that these are your spices jammed in here with my spices.
Jess: Yep.
Schmidt: I would really appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla was not touching my Tahitian vanilla.
Jess: Oh, Schmidt, they're more than touching. [breathy voice] What's it like living in the most populous isle in French Polynesia? [French accent] I could tell you, or... I could show you. [breathy voice] Not in front of the cloves.

Winston: Hey, Nick. Look, man, I'm sorry to bother you while you're clearly sitting here working hard making lots of money.
Nick: All right.
Winston: But if you'd kindly just pause that for one second, I have a few accounts that I'd like to settle. Account number one: A $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle. Bam. Here we go.
Nick: We're doing this, huh?
Winston: Yeah, we are doing this. Item number two: Cancelled $35 check for registration of a domain name ... "It'sNickMillerTime.com." "Hey, guys, Winston, I got a good idea, man. I'm gonna be a big-time blogger."

Nick: How much does four hundred cognac and colas add up to, Winston?
Winston: You want to go there?
Nick: Yeah.
Winston: Okay. How about all the times I sat around listening to you bitch and moan about how Caroline broke your precious little heart?
Nick: Okay, in eighth grade...
Winston: Eighth grade.
Nick: You "accidentally" saw my mom naked. Before she stopped exercising and let herself get chubby. Okay? So how much is that, in terms of money? 'Cause I haven't gotten over that. And I would say four to $5,000.

Jess: Hey, Schmidt.
Schmidt: There's a spill.
Jess: I know. Do your exercise. You know.
Schmidt: Yeah, okay, the exercise. [clears throat] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I feel great. I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap, like a common ranch hand.

Nick: Epsom salt? What, are you too good for regular salt?
Winston: You know damn well I got to soak my trick foot.
Nick: Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot.
Winston: Yeah, my trick foot, and don't ever call me Winnie.
Nick: Aw, Winnie...

Winston: Fine. You don't owe me anything. The slate is clean. We're good, we're even.
Nick: Oh, good, that's how I feel, too.
Winston: Because in my mind, your mom will always be the winner of Best Boobs.
Nick: Really, Best Boobs?
Winston: Yeah. Master's Division.
Nick: You're gonna talk about my mother? You're gonna talk about my mom's boobs?

Nick: What the hell happened to you?
Jess: I went down to the beach, and I tried to talk to Schmidt, but he just ignored me, and he went back to twirling his fire baton. He's really bad. He burned a lot of people. I feel like they should let you twirl it around a few times before they actually light it on fire.

Jess: And Nick and Winston want to say to you that they really miss you.
Nick: You're freaking me out, man. Why are you wearing that crystal around your neck?
Schmidt: Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy.
Nick: All a crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt. Look, I need you, Schmidt. Okay, I need you to tell me what pants not to wear and to exercise more often. I need you to make fun of me when I call a panini a hot sandwich. How am I ever gonna learn?

Winston: I even miss your hair chutney. Without you, man, we're just three idiots who live together. [sighs] You make us a family.
Schmidt: [chuckling] Well, I'm the cool rebel brother.
Winston: You're the mom.
Nick: The mother.
Jess: Mom.
Nick: Look, Schmidt, if you come back to us, I'll let you clean my room.
Schmidt: The white whale?
Nick: Think about how many dust bunnies are under my bed. How many stray socks.

Schmidt: Calvin. You magnificent wizard.