Winston: $100? How did Schmidt buy all these groceries with 100 bucks?
Nick: It's only $100?
Winston: $100.
Nick: You should've told... we have way too much stuff, man.
Winston: Yeah, like shrimp cocktail.
Nick: We don't need a baked ham, Winston.

Cashier: Next, please.
Nick: Oh, hey, how you doing, sir? We only have $100, Gary, so could you stop checking us out when we hit $100?
Winston: Yeah, you got to include tax, too, so, like, $93, just... Cool?
Nick: Yeah, just that'll do.

Schmidt: What are you doing out here?
Jess: Oh, just checking up on you. Oh, I see you're eating street meat wrapped in street meat.
Schmidt: This is my man, Gordon. You've outdone yourself once again, Gordon. Excellent.
Jess: Did you go to work today?
Schmidt: No, no. No work. I haven't been there in a while.
Jess: How long is a while?
Schmidt: I don't know. Three days?
Jess: Schmidt, I made a mistake in bringing you down here. I shouldn't have done that. Please come home.
Schmidt: Why? So I can cook and clean? So I can show you where the vacuum is?

Nick: I am so hungry. Remember those things that Schmidt used to make us with the peanut butter and the raisins on the celery? What were those called?
Winston: Ants on a log.
Nick: Ants on a log. I just got why they're called ants on a log. Looks like ants on a log.

Jess: You guys were right, I upset the ecosystem. [sniffles] This is not what I wanted. I just wanted to put my hutch here. Make the place my own, be a part of the family.
Nick: What family? With these clowns?
Jess: Yeah, you clowns.
Nick: Well, look, you want in, you're in. Congratulations, welcome to the family, Jess.
Jess: Aww.
Nick: Yeah, we don't "aww" in this family.

Jess: Schmidt, we miss you.
Schmidt: You just want me to clean.
Jess: No, that's not true.
Nick: Well, it's a little bit true. There's truth to that.
Winston: Okay, look. I want you to clean.
Jess: Look, we're so proud of you for letting go, and relaxing. But this isn't like you. You can run away from your problems, but you're just gonna find new ones that pop up like hepatitis.

Jess: Hey, Schmidt, I got you something.
Schmidt: Is that a boutique box?
Jess: A pair of gray, shiny, twill, flat-front trousers designed by a man named Calvin. Never been tried on. Pockets are sewn shut. Don't you just want to get your thumbs in there and rip? Okay, so, I'm just gonna leave this on your bongo drum, and you can, you know, give them a whirl if you feel like it.
Nick: Just make the right decision. Come home. Take the pants.

Nick: Scmidtty.
Schmidt: Nick, your hair is doing that thing that I just... I just hate. And Jess, can you please ask Winston to help you move the furniture out? He could use the exercise. You're looking a little, you know... [sputters]
Jess: He's back.
Schmidt: And Nick, Winston, we have a urinal. How are you still missing?

Cece: Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants?
Schmidt: What? They're slacks. What's the big deal? Calm down.
Cece: Oh...
Schmidt: Look how excited Hector J. is to see you.
Cece: Yeah, I've already met Hector J., so...
Schmidt: Ooh, look, he's knighting you.
Cece: Oh, no, please stop knighting me. Don't...
Schmidt: Lady Cecelia...
Cece: No, Schmidt, I'm gonna leave.
Schmidt: You have entered the order of the round table.
Cece: I'm getting my bag, okay, I'm gonna get my... Oh, I want to stay.
Schmidt: Dame Nasty Cece.