Bob: Nick... I want you to have sex with my wife.
Nick: What?
Carol: Yeah, we don't just need your reindeer, we need Santa.
Schmidt: What?
Carol: Yeah, come down the chimney.
Nick: What?
Carol: Feet first.
Bob: White Christmas.
Carol: Bring a sackful of gifts.

Nick: This is nuts. I can't do this.
Schmidt: This might be your only chance to have a kid.
Nick: Yeah, but then I have to have sex with my cousin. I don't want to have... I don't want to have sex with my cousin.
Schmidt: It's not your cousin. It's your cousin's wife. That's like letting a dog drink water out of your mouth. You know, it's not great, but it's legal.

Nick: And, Carol, look, I don't want this to feel, I-I don't know, romantic. I don't want you getting confused.
Carol: There's a zero percent chance of that happening.
Bob: Yeah.
Nick: If you're suggesting that I can't be romantic, then you're out of your mind.
Schmidt: Yeah, excuse me, Nick is very romantic, okay? He does romantic things for me all the time.
Nick: Schmidt, what are you talking about?
Schmidt: Just the other week, you were very romantic to me. When I fell down in the parking lot and you picked me up?

Winston: Well, that didn't work. Look, Cece, I'm-I'm no good at this. I'm no help. I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna take a backseat to the wedding.
Cece: No. Look... what you did in there made me realize how much you... really care about me. I know that you're already one of Schmidt's groomsmen, um, but I was hoping you would maybe also consider being one of my bridesmaids.
Winston: You want me to be a bridesmaid?
Cece: If you don't want to, I...
Winston: Do you know who you're talking to?
Cece: Yes?
Winston: You're talking to Winnie the Bish!
Cece: Yeah.
Winston: I would love to be your bridesmaid!
Cece: Yes?
Winston: Yes!
Cece: Yes?
Winston: Yes! Oh... Girl, you are under arrest for taking my breath away!

Carol: What's with this parachute top?
Nick: It's good for movement, hard to stain. I thought it was appropriate.
Carol: Okay. I don't know what you think we're about to do, but I'm keeping this very simple.
Nick: I want to keep it simple. Uh-huh. Great. Should we... should we just make love now, then?
Carol: "Make love"? What, are we riding horses around on a beach topless? No, thank you. Just tip me over and pour me out!
Nick: Tip you over and pour you out?
Carol: Yeah. It's that children's rhyme that's also very sexual.
Nick: It is not sexual at all.
Carol: It is in this case.

Nick: I'm not freaking out. I'm fine. Just my heart's beating really fast. I feel a bit dizzy.
Carol: Are you freaking kidding me?
Nick: Just need one sec.
Carol: This is ridiculous! All I did was take my shoes off. Stand up and deliver!

Nick: Schmidt, tell them to stop yelling at me!
Schmidt: No! You compose yourself and you make a miracle, or I will squeeze one out of you like a bottle of mustard!
Nick: What?!
Schmidt: Take your pants off! There's not even a belt or a button! Just pull 'em down!

Nick: Bobby, I'm sorry. I feel terrible.
Bob: No, no, no, no. It was a bad call.
Nick: Yeah, I guess it's weird to have sex with your cousin's wife.
Bob: No. I... I just can't stomach my kid coming from a Bears fan, that's all.
Nick: There's nothing wrong with being a Bears fan. That's all I'm gonna say to that.
Bob: There kind of is.
Nick: No, it's weird to have sex with your cousin's wife. That's what's weird.

Schmidt: What do you mean, you're gonna have your own kid?
Nick: When I have my own kid. Don't make a big deal of it. I just... I don't... I don't hate your plan. I kind of like it. Things have been going pretty good for me lately, and I-I would like to meet my own Maria. With-a the meatballs.
Schmidt: With-a the red sauce.
Nick: [laughs] With-a the red sauce. I want to see that plan you got for me.
Schmidt: Well, come on, man. It's a rough draft, but you should check it out.
Nick: What do we got here, chief? "Nick has a boy. He calls him Gio." We die on the same day in 2098?
Schmidt: You murder me and then kill yourself.
Nick: There's not a chance I make it to 2098. Not a chance. I don't want to see the 2050s.
Schmidt: Oddly enough, you won't. See? I freeze you from 2050 to 2064.
Nick: That's why you're the genius. That's why you're the genius.

Winston: Hey. Hey, guys. I pulled some strings. I got her a note that says we're here.
Cece: You are amazing. I don't know why every wedding doesn't have a bridesman.
Winston: Ooh, I'm-a get so naked at that bachelorette party!
Schmidt: That's one reason.