Jess: You're feeling excited?
Nick: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Worked up?
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: Ready to cave?
Nick: Oh, I've never been stronger.
Jess: Oh, yeah? So if I just read you a description of, like, what a Piston does, you know, on my phone, it wouldn't affect you at all? Is that what you're saying? It's just a rod that transfers, uh, force from the crank shaft...
Nick: What is this, a seduction class for kindergarteners?

Ed: Ladies, you all look like a hundred bucks. I hope someone's taking you out for oysters Rockefeller tonight. Now, before I begin, my little helper here will distribute some handouts for your reference.
Schmidt: Uh, you know what, Ed? I'm really sorry. Company printers are on the fritz, so little helper that I am, I decided to load everything up onto the laptop. There you go. [Ed is startled as he sees the presentation on the screen behind him]
Ed: [chuckles] Well, I'm sure there's a printer that works. I'll just wait for the hard copies.
Schmidt: [whispers] I broke all the printers.
Ed: I'm gonna beat you with an orange in a sock.
Schmidt: Besides, we're talking about technology, aren't we? Be a little silly to talk about technology without using technology. Am I right, Kim?
Kim: Use the technology, Ed.
Ed: [clears throat] Hup-I-dip-I-dip... Oh... [grunts] My left arm. My neck. [gasps] You got me this time, Hebrew. But I'll be back.
Kim: This is why the cutoff's at 45, ladies.

Schmidt: To Winston.
Winston: Hear, hear.
Schmidt: As a thank-you, I'd like I'd like to get you a job at Ass-Strat. I'll make you a real Ass man.

Nick: [to Jess] You really think mine was food? I can think of five other reasons I wanted to be your friend. Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek.
Schmidt: In that order?
Nick: Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob."
Schmidt: Yeah, but that's the correct-
Nick: That's the order, yeah.

Jess: Yeah! Team drug store, back from mission. Drug store, right, Coach?
Coach: Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?
Jess: Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff.
Coach: Thanks.
Jess: So, same time next week, right? Team drug store? We'll go again to the drug store? Team drug store? [Coach goes to his room] Ugh! God! What a walnut! It's been two months we've been living with him, and I have yet to crack him. It's like we just spent an hour together. It was, like, nothing, no connection. And don't tell me it's in my mind, because it's not. We ran into one of his friends, and Coach said the meanest thing about me.
[flashback to Jess in the street wearing thick, dark glasses]
Jess: Check these out. Can you believe these are for glaucoma?
Coach: [to his friend] She's my buddy's girlfriend.

Nick: You are my girlfriend. What's the big deal?
Jess: I want him to think of me as his friend.
Nick: Oh, I hear that.
Schmidt: Well, it'll happen if it's meant to.
Jess: I need to find a way in. I found a way to force myself into all of your lives. You just didn't know it. Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas.
Winston: [laughs] I like the butt flap.

Jess: Basketball's just the first step. We sit down, we watch a game. We have a few laughs. Before you know it, we'll be digging into each other's pasts.
Nick: That's not how it works, though.
Jess: Childhoods, Nick. That's the friendship money shot.
Nick: Men watch sports so we don't have to talk about childhood stuff.
Jess: No.
Nick: It's a real thing. And the game doesn't even have deeper meaning.
Jess: Come on.
Nick: And there's no layers to it. If I'm talking about a player overcoming the defense to win, that's not like I'm overcoming it.

Nick: Not only that. He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.
Jess: Right. I don't understand, no.
Nick: It's rivalries.
Jess: Sharks and cats.
Nick: Yankees, Red Sox.
Jess: Whales and dolphins.
Nick: Pistons fan, Bulls fan. End of discussion.
Jess: I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert.
Nick: Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Vanjer and Vajer situation.

Winston: So, where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive. Where do we do the marketing? We do the marketing everywhere. Now, you're gonna want to take notes on everything I do, 'cause you're about to see life happen at the speed of business.

Schmidt: Okay. I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted you to learn from the best.
Ed: Well, actually, they said your office was closest to the can. I got a prostate the size of an "avacada".
Winston: "Closest to the can."
Schmidt: Do not write that down, Winston!
Winston: Is it not closest to the can?