Cece: It was Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Schmidt: What? You... you were... you were with Zack Morris?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Guy's a frigging god. I mean, all right. I've... I surrender. That's awes... Can I come to the wedding? [Cece laughs] You think Slater and Screech are gonna be there?
Cece: [laughing] I'm kidding. I just wanted to see you freak out.
Schmidt: You really had me going there for a second.
Cece: [laughs] It works every time with you. It's amazing. Now...
Schmidt: There was a real second there where I had bad feelings towards Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and I didn't like any moment of that. How dare you. Don't ever do that to me again.

Nick: When I was nine years old, I fed cereal flakes to a frog, and it died. Then I went into a period of time where I fed cereal flakes to all little animals. Squirrels can live through it, chipmunks can live through it. Anything that lives half in and out of water dies, and I don't understand why. When I was ten, I once walked by my mother sleeping, and I snuck in the room, and I put a lemon in her mouth. When I was 11, I once tried on my girl cousin's wool tights, and I didn't hate the way it felt!
Sergeant Dorado: Why are you telling me this?
Nick: Because you said you wanted to hear everything! My sixteenth year, I never got an erection. I thought they were done. I thought my penis was dead. It wasn't.

Sergeant Dorado: Will somebody answer the question so I can write it on the form and we can get on with our lives? Why would Bishop make a good police officer?
Nick: Mustache.
Sergeant Dorado: I'm sorry?
Nick: Because, uh, Winston has a mustache. And, uh, police officers all have mustaches. No, they don't. Not the ladies. Unless the ladies want to. Why can't a lady have a mustache? She can. And it would look sexy. Would you like a green grape shoved in your... given to your mouth? Handed to your mouth?

Winston: Good, you're all here. I just got a tip from my buddy Dugan. My academy background check is today and I need everybody's help.
Coach: Can't do it, bro. Going to the outlet mall today.
Winston: What?
Coach: I'm gonna look like a rich person from three years ago.
Winston: Can't... You can't go to the outlet mall today. Not today.
Schmidt: Yeah, you can't go to the outlet mall today.
Coach: Why?
Schmidt: It's a weekend. What are you, crazy? Unless you got a game plan.
Coach: I have a game plan. Grab a quick smoothie, power up. Do my leg stores first. Pants, socks, shoes. Hats and accessories last, then one sweet treat for the road. Most likely a cinnamon pretzel.

Winston: How do I look?
Jess: Terrible.
Schmidt: N-Not for me.
Nick: Not great.
Coach: Like crap.
Jess: Go change.
Schmidt: I don't like any of it.
Winston: Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol. You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later.

Sergeant Dorado: I've never seen someone sweat so much in my life. It looks like your body is crying. What are you hiding?
Nick: Distraction! [throws a plush] Okay. You're a tough cookie. And that's the last thing I'll say.
Sergeant Dorado: Hmm.
Nick: Look... Okay, you want the truth? I'll tell you everything. When I was 13 years old, I once made love to myself behind a post office.

Schmidt: Everybody just calm down. Especially you, Nick, you're already sopping wet.
Nick: Lying makes me sweat. I can't lie. It's why I don't play poker or talk to pregnant ladies.

Coach: Hey! Guess who's here like he normally is every Saturday! It's Duquan!
Duquan: [to Nick] Big brother Wimstons. [Coach points him to Winston] Oh. I love you, Mr. Wimstons. I go from no hope to hope. He take me and he says to me, "You're gonna be somebody. "You-You could be the presidents, or Statues of Liberties."
Winston: Is that right?
Duquan: We make homework togethers. He buys me toys, and we chase each others, and we laugh at the sun.

Jess: I'm gonna cancel my plans with Cece. I'll find out about her date with Paul later.
Schmidt: A ridiculous name. Oh, hey, my name is Puh-ha... Pau... I don't even know how to pronounce that.
Winston: It's Paul.
Schmidt: I'll take that Paul, I'll take him to a water park, I will. I'll put him on one of those waterslides between
two obese people and he'll get smushed to death. Die in a... Die in a water... He'll die between the obese people before he drowns in the water.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Hmm?

Schmidt: Cece went on a date last night?
Jess: Schmidt, why don't you just read my text messages while I'm in the shower like you normally do?
Schmidt: Our Cece has taken a lover? Good for him.
Nick: Don't get weird, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm not being weird. I just said good for him. You know, I've camped in that forest, too. The babbling brook, the beautiful mountains, little secret trailway that's only open seasonally, and when it is-- let me tell you something-- bring a camera.
Nick: Cool, not weird at all.