Winston: Schmidt, calm down. What is your problem?
Schmidt: Two women are in love with me. The problem is, is I'm in love with both of them.
Winston: Okay, looks like you're gonna have to choose.
Schmidt: Cece and I, we have this connection. You know, it's physical it's unhealthy. Look, I don't want to get too graphic with you, but I'm not just the plug with her. I'm also a socket.

Schmidt: What about his shoes? Any interest in his shoes?
Winston: Hell no. There's no way you're getting these damn shoes, okay? These are my favorite brown shoes. And besides, this is all your fault, Schmidt.
Jess: Nick's body's being traded like cigarettes right now!
Schmidt: Winston, those shoes are not brown they're green.
Winston: What the hell you talking about, man?
Jess: Those shoes are green.
Winston: You guys are idiots, all right? They're as brown as money.
Jess: What color is Kermit the Frog?
Winston: Brown. It's a brown frog.
Schmidt: Winston, you're color-blind, dude.
Winston: What? I am not color- I am not color-blind.

Schmidt: [to Nick] Winston does not get me at all.
Winston: What?
Schmidt: And, plus, he's color-blind, which basically makes him crippled.
Nick: You're color blind?
Winston: Please, tell me these shoes are brown, right?
Nick: Those shoes are green.
Jess: They're definitely green.
Winston: Okay, you both are crazy. Did you text them and tell them what to say?
Schmidt: Winston! If you think those shoes are brown, what color do you think you are?

Schmidt: Winston, what can I do for you?
Winston: Don't talk to me that much, never lie to me, and never, ever touch my puzzle.
Schmidt: Winston, do we do we think now is really the right time to be starting a puzzle?
Winston: I'm great at puzzles.
Schmidt: You're a born puzzler, Winston, sure, um, but don't you agree that sometimes, when you start puzzles, you get a little bit weird? And, I don't know, intense? Spend a lot of time humming. Also spend a lot of time naked.
Winston: I'm gonna do you, puzzle! Right on the table. As nasty as you want to be.

Border Guard: U. S. citizens? Passports, please.
[Schmidt hands over four passports, including Nick's shredded passport which has been poorly taped back together.]
Border Guard: What is this?
Winston: Sir, my name is Winston Bishop. I'm a color-blind American citizen, and I can't do puzzles. Now let us go home.
Border Guard: It says "Unatered Stites of Amurica."

Schmidt: You're upset. As you should be. Oh, but that was great, man.
Winston: How long as this been going on, man?
Schmidt: Four days.
Winston: Four days, and you didn't tell me? Come on, Schmidt! I said, "Don't lie to me."
Schmidt: I'm sorry. All right? I love both of these women and I couldn't decide. I needed to buy some more time.
Winston: Cece thinks I'm wearing her panties right now!
Schmidt: Well, that's on you, man! You freaked out super hard! You-you kidding me? That's so weird. Sewing people's panties into underpants.
Winston: Look, we're not best friends, Schmidt. As a matter of fact, we're not friends at all until you fix this.
Schmidt: Okay, all right, look. Winston, I'm sorry, man. W-Winston, you've been working on this puzzle for quite some time now. You realize a lot of those puzzle pieces are upside down, right? It's just they're cardboard color. Is that an almond that you have inserted into one of the pieces? Are you just eating them, or are you using them as pieces? You know that's an almond, right?
Winston: [screams] Schmidt, come here!

Cece: I have a bit of a hard time believing that Winston would do this.
Schmidt: Well, then, you obviously don't know Winston, 'cause he's a sick, disgusting human being. Just this morning he asked me for a pair of your underpants.
Cece: Winston?
Winston: Hmm?
Cece: Is that true?
Winston: Yes. I needed your underwear to sew into my underwear.
Cece: Oh... my... God. That is disgusting! You are a pervert! [throws the puzzle]
Schmidt: Oh, I'm so sorry, Cece. Just wait in the car. You don't have to deal with this disgusting trash person, garbage child!

Schmidt: Where have you been? I'm having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what? Just driving around, French-kissing each other like a couple Dutch hookers? What is that, Nick? Is that a hickey? Disgusting!

Schmidt: Well, Winston, after 25 unanswered text messages to Nick and Jess this morning, I finally received a response. A smiley face. This leaves us with one choice... To become best friends.
Winston: Huh? Yeah, fine.
Schmidt: For real? Okay, great. Now, as my best friend, I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment's notice, including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity.
Winston: Yeah, fine.

Winston: Hey, Schmidt, what do you think it's gonna look like?
Schmidt: What do I think it's going to look like?
Winston: Yeah, the puzzle.
Schmidt: Winston, it's on the box. The- The picture's on the box. It's a Japanese garden!