Nick: How hard could that place be to sneak into? You all in?
Jess: Nick, this has been fun, but-
Nick: Okay, look, everything that's bad is waiting for us back in the loft. But here? I'm Paradise Nick. And Paradise Nick is mega-chill. And you're Paradise Jess, right? We can make food and just... [they kiss]
Jess: All in.
Nick: All in.

Winston: Um Cece, I just want to say, on my end, that I am so, so sorry.
Cece: Sorry about what?
Winston: You know, uh Elizabeth.
Cece: Well, what about Elizabeth?
Schmidt: He made love to her. Winston made love to Elizabeth. After I chose you, Winston was all too quick, in Elizabeth's vulnerable state, to rush in there and just get his jollies off. His sweaty, disgusting jollies.
Cece: Seriously? I mean, she must have just been so upset and hurt I didn't even know you were interested in her.
Schmidt: Tell her what you did, Winston, and give her the short version, which you did not give to Elizabeth.
Winston: Wha? What I did... Um... Okay, well, I drove over there to seduce her. And I seduced her two and a half times.
Schmidt: Puzzle me this, then, Winston. How do you live with yourself?

Nick: I don't speak Spanish, you snake! What are you gonna do? I'm in the ocean now! I'm in international waters! I've got a shell.
Jess: Let's just go. Let's just get out of here.
Nick: Point Break style?
Jess: No, no, no!
Nick: I will Point Break style this moment!

Schmidt: Truce, okay? Winston, please, come on... Talk to me. I I need a friend right now. I love both of these women, and I can't lose them, and I can't hurt them. And we made a pact!
Winston: No. You lied to me. You're a liar.
Schmidt: Okay, well, then would you like some truth, Winston? Here's some truth for you, okay? You're terrible at puzzles. Worst I've ever seen by a mile. What, do you have fly vision? Look at this puzzle. It's ages six and up. You are up, Winston. You are way up!
Winston: You want to say that to my face?
Schmidt: This is a corner piece, Winston! How do you not see that? What are you, blind?! I'm so sorry actually, a blind man could feel the smooth edges of a corner piece!
Winston: You are making me so mad.
Schmidt: Ooh, you are making me so mad.

Schmidt: So, in conclusion, it's a you know, it's a very difficult decision that I've had to that, you know, that you guys have put me in, here, but I just I'm gonna be candid.
Cece: I've been up for 24 hours. I have to return all of these gifts. So just say it. You don't want to be with me.
Schmidt: Wh... huh? Look- Look at that. I just looked down and I thought, "This girl must be wearing sneakers "with shoelaces, and th-those shoelaces must be tied together, because this girl is straight trippin', yo."
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Of course I want to be with you.

Schmidt: In the marketplace of ideas, where culture is king, and data moves faster than people, where scalable opportunities come from turnkey solutions
Elizabeth: What are you trying to say, Schmidt? Is it over?
Schmidt: No... no. As if. Of course I picked you. It wasn't even close. Come here, you crazy white girl. [they kiss]
Elizabeth: There it is. Poor Cece.
Schmidt: Uh, yeah, okay.

Nick: You know what? I gotta say, Jess, I really like you.
Jess: I really, really like you.
Nick: I really like you. I can't believe this is happening.
Jess: It's crazy, but it's happening.
Nick: It's crazy.
Jess: I like you so much.
Nick: Yeah, I like you so much.

Nick: Well, that was fun. We finally broke in the Volvo. Oh, my.
Jess: What's next? What do we do now?
Nick: I'm really fighting the urge to buy you a lobster dinner.
Jess: Do we just go home?

Jess: You know, I mean, just how is it actually gonna work? We've only been dating for 30 minutes and we're already living together. What if you get tired of me, and you have nowhere to go because we're roommates, and so you have to sleep in your car-
Nick: Hey. Stop. That's not gonna happen. I've wanted this for so long. I don't want anything to go wrong.

Jess: It's Schmidt. He wants to know where you are.
Nick: He texted you to ask where I am? That's ugh. He just texted I'm a bad friend. You know what that is?
Jess: Either male genitalia, or a really big thumbs down.
Nick: Why would he send me male genitalia?
Jess: Why can't he talk to Winston?
Nick: Well, without me, they get so weird and they fight all the time.
Jess: This is what I'm talk- How many times a day does Schmidt text you?
Nick: I don't know, I'll just say 40.