Adrian Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
Sharona: That's my music.

Sharona: So you think I can drive it?
Mechanic: Oh, not like this. It's a death trap.
Sharona: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Well, that death trap thing sort of concerns me.

Adrian Monk: Uh, no, not, not, not in the back seat.
Sharona: Wait, wait, wait, Vince, he has a thing about back seats.
Vince: Everybody sits in the back.
Tony Lucarelli: Uh, Mr, Mr. Monk. You can ride in the front with Vince.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Okay.

Salvatore Lucarelli: Mr. Monk, thank you for coming on such short notice. It means the world to me. [shakes Monk's hand]
Sharona: [hands Monk a wipe] Oh, he does this all the time. He doesn't mean any disrespect.
Salvatore Lucarelli: I understand. I got blood on my hands.
Adrian Monk: Yes, you do.

Salvatore Lucarelli: Oh, Mr. Monk Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Adrian Monk: I'm right-handed. But I, I use my left hand, too. Almost every day.
Sharona: Yeah, you used your left hand this morning.
Adrian Monk: Right. That's right. I'm ambidextrous, really.
Salvatore Lucarelli: Yeah, well, why don't you think about that, too? This conversation is over.

Adrian Monk: I love you both. I'd never let anything happen to you. [to a passing couple] I, I love both my hands.
Woman: Good.
Adrian Monk: Even though I don't use my left hand as much, I, I still love it.
Woman: Okay. [to her husband] Let's try a different restaurant.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. It was great talking to you. I feel better.

Adrian Monk: Agent Colmes.
Agent Colmes: Mr. Monk, how are you? Get in the van.
Adrian Monk: I'm, I'm waiting for Sharona.
Agent Colmes: Well, you can wait in the van.
Adrian Monk: She won't know where I am.
Agent Colmes: Oh, we'll tell her. Just get in the van, please. Don't make me say it again.
Adrian Monk: I can't, uh,I, I can't sit in the back.
Agent Colmes: There's no other seat.
Adrian Monk: Really, I am not playing favorites here. I, I just told the mafia, the, the same thing. You can ask them.
Agent Colmes: Yeah, that's really adorable. In the van now. Get in the van.
Adrian Monk: I'm getting in, I'm getting in, I'm getting in. Look, just for the record, I'm, I'm using my left hand.
Agent Colmes: That's fascinating. Get in the van.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, I showed them my I.D. downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend. What, are you reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it or step aside.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Why don't you start by telling them what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate that family? Oh, start by telling them where they found the body buried.
Sharona: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Buried?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Actually, the parts that they found.

Adrian Monk: No, wait, no. I want to hear this. What, what, what are you saying?
Agent Colmes: What I'm saying is is that if you do me this favor, this one little tiny favor, I will call the police commissioner the next time you're up for reinstatement.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Come here. Monk, I know this son of a bitch. He's not to be trusted, okay? You could go get yourself killed, he would not so much as bat an eye.
Sharona: He's right. It's too dangerous.
Adrian Monk: [to the Captain] But what, what if it was you, and you didn't have this [points to badge], and you wanted it back? [to Agent Colmes] I'll do it. I'm your... I'm your man.
Agent Colmes: Good.