Adrian Monk: The money was still here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep, 7 grand.
Adrian Monk: Why wouldn't they just take it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It wasn't a robbery. These people don't send e-mails to each other, Monk. This is how they send a message.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk you can still back out. This is not your case.
Adrian Monk: It is now.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's just using you.
Adrian Monk: I'm using him, too. I don't remember you testifying for me when you had the chance.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right, because I knew that you weren't ready.

Adrian Monk: Somebody was sitting right here doing this crossword puzzle. Aah. Didn't finish. I hate that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, whoever it was, he must have left before it went down.
Adrian Monk: But why wouldn't he take it with him? To to finish.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe it wasn't his.
Adrian Monk: No, this is the barbershop copy here. This had to have been his copy. He must have been working on this unfinished puzzle for a while. If I was almost finished with a difficult crossword, I'd, I'd take it with me. Wouldn't you? To finish? [off Stottlemeyer's look] No.

Agent Colmes: Well, congratulations, Mr. Monk. You just about started a mob war.
Lieutenant Disher: What about them, your undercover agents? They were almost killed in that fire.
Agent Colmes: Please, no, they weren't.
Adrian Monk: My shirt was singed. You saw it. It was all singed. My sleeve...

Adrian Monk: So, um, so, Salvatore, um, I guess you heard about the, uh, the firebombing in, in Chinatown. You just nodded. Yes?
Salvatore Lucarelli: Right.
Adrian Monk: You have any theories about who might have might have done that?
Salvatore Lucarelli: Theories? Theories are for smart guys like you. I don't need theories. I know who did it. A couple of kids from L.A. A couple of wannabes trying to impress me. I took care of them.
Sharona: So you didn't do the firebombing?
Salvatore Lucarelli: When I want Jimmy Lu dead, believe me, he'll know it.

Sharona: Mr. Lucarelli, can I say something? Your nephew Tony here is in really great shape.
Tony Lucarelli: Oh, come on, Sharona.
Sharona: I mean, he's lost a ton of weight, and he kept it off, which is really the hard part, so... Don't you think he should have a different nickname?
Tony Lucarelli: Uncle Sal, I didn't say anything.
Salvatore Lucarelli: He's always been fat Tony ever since he was a kid.
Sharona: Yeah, I know, but look at him. What about big Tony? That's pretty close.
Vince: We already got a big Tony.
Sharona: Who?
Vince: Big Tony.
Salvatore Lucarelli: This conversation is over. In fact, it never happened.

Adrian Monk: It's not here.
Sharona: What, what's not here?
Adrian Monk: The gumball machine.
Tony Lucarelli: Well, they used it to smash the window, then took off down the alley.
Adrian Monk: I know, but where is it? These pictures were taken that morning. But it's not in the street. It's not in the back room. They must have taken it with them.
Salvatore Lucarelli: Why would they do that?
Adrian Monk: Salvatore, sir, what happened here, these murders, had nothing to do with you or your family. It was all about these.
Vince: Gumballs.

Sharona: Hey, Phil, how you doing? Remember us?
Adrian Monk: You said you didn't like crossword puzzles.
Phil Bedard: I thought I'd try one.
Sharona: Pretty good. Greek vowel, four letters, beginning with "I."
Adrian Monk: Iota. I,O,T,A.
Phil Bedard: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I like puzzles, too. I've been working on a pretty tough one. It involves you, Mr. Bedard. That's you, isn't it? It was taken in front of the barbershop the day before the massacre.
Phil Bedard: Maybe.
Sharona: That's a pretty big bubble, Phil. You must've bought, what, four, maybe five, gumballs?
Adrian Monk: It was five. Five gumballs.

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. You stole five cents from your employer last week. On any other job, no one would miss it. Of course, you work for the U.S. Mint. They were those five double-headed pennies.
Sharona: We did a little research. They're worth $200,000 each.
Adrian Monk: One of their security guards must've followed you. You panicked. You had to get rid of those coins.
Sharona: You needed to hide them for a day or two, but where?
Adrian Monk: The gumball machine. It was perfect. You figured you'd come back when the coast was clear and pick them up.
Sharona: But you had no idea that the barbershop was a front for the mob.
Adrian Monk: You found out, though. The next day, when you tried to steal the machine. So was it the barber that tried to stop you? Or maybe it was a customer.
Sharona: Whoever it was, they had a gun.
Adrian Monk: That you somehow managed to grab, and then all hell broke loose.
Sharona: All for five pennies. That's a penny for every person you killed.
Adrian Monk: Then you said you witnessed the attack so that you could steer everyone, me, the cops, the Lucarelli family toward that gang in Chinatown.
Phil Bedard: I didn't want to hurt anyone. Those idiots pulled out their guns. It was an accident. Things just got out of hand. Anyway, who's going to miss them? They're gangsters like you said.
Sharona: Well, accident or not, you're going to jail.
Phil Bedard: Oh, yeah?
Sharona: Yeah.
Phil Bedard: How are you going to prove any of this without the pennies?
Adrian Monk: Did you get that, guys?
Phil Bedard: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: See that van over there? Okay, fellas. You can pick him up now. Hello. Here we go. Watch this. Let's go! Here we go. Now. Excuse me. Just keep an eye on him.
Sharona: Yeah, yeah. Why don't you finish your puzzle?

Adrian Monk: He's not gonna help me, is he?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. I'm sorry.
Adrian Monk: I guess I never really expected him to.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Never trust a Fed. I should've decked him.
Adrian Monk: No. Don't worry. I got him back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? What'd you do?
Adrian Monk: See their vans?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
Adrian Monk: One of them is packed full. The other one isn't even half full.
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're uneven.
Adrian Monk: I didn't tell him. I didn't say a word. I'm just gonna let them drive away like that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That'll teach him to mess with us.
Adrian Monk: Damn straight.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep.