Man: [over radio] Atticus One, this is Gumbo Pot. Thought you'd like to know you're coming up on a plain brown wrapper.
Adrian Monk: Roger that. If we see it, we will stop and pick it up.
Jack Monk: No! "Plain brown wrapper." That's an unmarked police car. He's trying to warn us.
Adrian Monk: Gumbo Pot, this is Atticus One. You're making it harder for the Highway Patrol to enforce the local speed limit. Which isn't very cool. Over.
Man: Jack, who the hell is that?

Julie Teeger: They smell great.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Oh, can I have that one?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you have to wait. They're for the party.
Adrian Monk: Please, just that one, that Christmas tree.
Natalie: No see, then you'll want another one, she'll want one. I didn't make enough.
Adrian Monk: Natalie! Please. Just one cookie. One stupid cookie. I'm beseeching you. I promise I'll never ask for anything else. Please. Please, I gotta have that cookie!
Natalie: Okay, fine. Take the cookie.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. [puts it in the trash] That was a little crooked. What's up with that elf?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, the elf is perfect.
Adrian Monk: A little droopy.

Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Monk? I'm, Randy Disher. I work with your son. This is an honor. And a pleasure and a privilege.
Jack Monk: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: I- I don't know. I just thought it was an honor and a pleasure. I could be wrong.

Adrian Monk: What? I can't just leave. I don't have my toothbrush. I can't travel without my toothbrush.
Lieutenant Disher: You can buy a toothbrush.
Adrian Monk: Or my pillow case or my Trudy kit or my house. I never go anywhere without my house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You can buy all that stuff, Monk. What you can't buy is another shot.

Natalie: [on the phone] What happened?
Adrian Monk: What am I doing here? He doesn't like me. He never loved me. He doesn't love anyone except for maybe Jack Junior.
Natalie: Jack Junior?
Adrian Monk: It's his other son. He bought him a bike. I never got a bike!
Natalie: [to Stottlemeyer & Disher] There's another brother.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, can you pick me up?
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, it's only been a few hours. I don't think you should give up. Just keep talking. I'm sure you have a lot in common.
Adrian Monk: That makes sense. You made a lot of good points. Now come and get me!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I can't. I can't just leave. I mean, for one thing everybody but Julie has been drinking. He wants to talk to you.
Julie Teeger: [takes the phone] Hello? Mr. Monk, I can't. I don't have a license. I don't even know where Arizona is. Please stop crying. He hung up.

Waitress: Here you go. Two Christmas Specials. Enjoy.
Jack Monk: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: It's touching.
Jack Monk: It is. It's great. After all those years.
Adrian Monk: No, I mean the food, it's touching.
Jack Monk: Okay, okay, I forgot. I forgot. Don't worry. I'll fix it, I'll fix it. Don't worry. I forgot. Carrots separate. Good? There you go. Nice and separate turkey. Good?
Adrian Monk: Thanks.
Jack Monk: You have a picture of her? [Monk hands Jack a picture from his wallet] Trudy, right? Oh. I'm glad. I'm glad she was there for you.

Natalie: Julie, it's okay. Mr. Monk, you can have any cookie you want.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Julie Teeger: Mom, what happened?
Natalie: It's your father.
Adrian Monk: My father?
Julie Teeger: I almost forgot you had a father.
Natalie: Honey, everybody has a father.
Julie Teeger: Well, it's just you don't mention him very much.
Adrian Monk: Not everyone has a father worth mentioning.

Captain Stottlemeyer: When was the last time you saw him?
Adrian Monk: Ah, it was a lifetime ago. I was eight years old. He said he was going downtown to pick up some dinner. And I watched him drive away. He waved to me. I'll never forget that. How he waved. Then he was gone. My childhood was over. My mother never laughed again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Families are always complicated.
Adrian Monk: It wasn't complicated. He just waved, then he was gone.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Let's see here. Jack Monk. They picked him up for a traffic violation. He ran a red light.
Adrian Monk: They brought him up for that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, well, he resisted arrest. He shoved a cop. When they brought him in for booking, he started asking for you. We got him in a holding cell upstairs. His rig is parked in the impound lot out back.
Adrian Monk: What rig?
Captain Stottlemeyer: His rig. It's a tractor trailer. Your dad is a truck driver.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. He's a writer. He writes school books.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You two obviously have a lot to talk about.

Inmate: What are you doing?
Jack Monk: I'm speed reading.
Inmate: What's your rush?
Jack Monk: I'm old.
Officer: Jack Monk, your son is here.
Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, no. I'm Leland Stottlemeyer, sir. This is Adrian.
Jack Monk: That man looks just like your mother.