Jack Monk: Hey, how are you?
Adrian Monk: How am I? Is that what you said?
Jack Monk: Yes, how are you? That's a rather conventional salutation. In Texas, people use it all the time.
Adrian Monk: Texas?
Jack Monk: Yeah, yeah, Midland. I got a place in Midland, but I'm hardly ever there. I'm driving 18-wheelers. Long hauls. "I travel for travel's sake to come down off of this featherbed of civilization." Robert Louis Stevenson.
Adrian Monk: Jack, I don't want to hear it. You called me. I'm here. What do you want?
Jack Monk: For one thing you can call me "Dad."
Adrian Monk: No.
Jack Monk: I'll settle for "Pops." "Pappy?" You know, forget about it. I'm getting used to Jack. What do I want from you? Two things. A, forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent. I was selfish. And I'm very sorry. B, get me the hell out of Dodge. But if you can do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix early in the morning.

Adrian Monk: That's why you called me? After 39 years. To fix a parking ticket?
Jack Monk: I know you can do it. I've been reading all about you. You are a hotshot detective. Which I take a little bit of credit for.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Jack Monk: Who read Sherlock Holmes to you every night? "Holmes, oh, you amaze me." Adrian, here's the thing. If I don't get to Phoenix in the morning, I lose the job. And this gig, it's my life. What do you say?
Adrian Monk: I say good-bye.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Hey, Monk, look. He's not a young man. If you walk away now, you might never see him again.
Adrian Monk: You promise?

Jack Monk: I thought after I'm done with this run I would stop by and we could talk. You know, catch up a little-
Adrian Monk: Don't say that. Don't say anything. Just go. And when you drive away, don't wave.
Jack Monk: Okay. Well, Merry Christmas anyway.
Adrian Monk: Right. Right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ask him.
Adrian Monk: Ask him what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what. Ask him.

Adrian Monk: Jack? Long as you're here, with don't you stay and have Christmas dinner with Ambrose and me. It would mean the world to him.
Jack Monk: I wish I could. I'm already three hours behind.
Adrian Monk: He wishes he could.
Jack Monk: You could come with me.
Adrian Monk: With you?
Jack Monk: Yeah. You'll be back here in three days.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Jack Monk: Okay, maybe another time. Take care.

Jack Monk: You still got that thing about germs, huh? I'm not surprised. Your mother said you would outgrow it, but I tried to tell her people don't change. They say they're gonna change. They swear to God they're gonna change. But at the end of the day, you are who you are. So how was your childhood?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was great. It was a laugh riot. You should've been there.
Jack Monk: You're right. I should've been there. But I'm here now.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm here too.

Adrian Monk: Do- Do you hear that? Sounds like a rattle.
Jack Monk: Look, relax, relax. Do you want to drive?
Adrian Monk: Eh, no.
Jack Monk: Come on, it's easy. It's like shifting gears. It's like riding a bike.
Adrian Monk: I can't ride a bike.
Jack Monk: You can't ride a bicycle?
Adrian Monk: I never learned. No one ever taught me.

Jack Monk: Okay, you want to get into it? Let's get into it. Adrian, I never planned to leave, okay? I went out to get some Chinese food, and on the way back I open up a fortune cookie. And it said, "Stand by your man."
Adrian Monk: "Stand by your man."
Jack Monk: Yeah, that's right. It sounds crazy, but it affected me, all right? It hit me right here. I realized I am my man. I gotta stand by me. I gotta follow my bliss. I was driving home, and I kept on going. And I've been driving ever since.

Adrian Monk: It's says, "Driver: Jack Monk, Sr."
Jack Monk: Oh, boy.
Adrian Monk: Is there a Jack Junior?
Jack Monk: Your brother.
Adrian Monk: I have a brother.
Jack Monk: It's another brother. It's a big day for you. A lot to digest.
Adrian Monk: My other brother. And he's Jack Junior?
Jack Monk: If it makes you feel any better, I left his mother too.
Adrian Monk: Why would that make me feel any better?
Jack Monk: I don't know. He lives in Baltimore. He's 31. He's an orthopedic surgeon. Very well respected. He's famous. He wants me to come live with him. I said, "What am I gonna do? Sit on the porch and pet a dog all day long until I drop dead?" Not for me.
Adrian Monk: He looks happy.
Jack Monk: Yeah, that was his birthday. He was eight.
Adrian Monk: That's a nice bike.
Jack Monk: That was his big gift. That's me, teaching him how to ride. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we buy a bike? Come on, let's do it. I'll pull over and teach you how to ride. It's never too late.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it is.

Natalie: [answers phone] Oh, it's Mr. Monk! It's Mr. Monk. I've been so worried about you. Where are you? How's it going? What's he like? Wait, hold on, I'm gonna put you on speakerphone. Hold on.
Lieutenant Disher: Merry Christmas, Monk!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Happy Holidays, buddy!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, this was a big mistake. I need to go home now. Please. Please, I want to come home! Please, please.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm taking you off speakerphone.

Adrian Monk: You hear that again?
Jack Monk: Yeah. Normally I'd check, but we're screwed if we don't reach Phoenix. We gotta drop this load and get to Yuma by 4:00.
Adrian Monk: Yuma? But we just went through Yuma. Why didn't we stop there first?
Jack Monk: Don't ask me. Ask the itinerary.
Adrian Monk: "San Francisco, Phoenix, Yuma, Tucson, Carson City." Well, that doesn't make any sense. We're zigzagging back and forth. What are we carrying?
Jack Monk: Toys. Can you believe it? I got two bosses. Partners. One of them, Ben Glaser, he marches into the office last Tuesday and he announces that he has found religion. Just like that out of the blue. This is a guy who never set foot in a church before. Then he goes and buys a bunch of toys. He loads up the truck, and he offered me five grand to drive around and hand them out. I feel like Santa Claus. I even got a costume back there. Hey, you wanna be my elf?
Adrian Monk: But why are we zigzagging like this? It makes no sense.
Jack Monk: I asked him. He said he moved around a lot when he was a kid. Foster homes, orphanages. He wanted to retrace his steps city by city. What do I know? He's the boss.