Adrian Monk: I think we should talk to that guy again, that Chet Walsh with the funny foamy finger. Remember? He had this big, foamy finger.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know who you mean, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He said he saw Gitelson this morning!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, it's out of our jurisdiction. It's not our case. We'll just be in the way, okay? Come on, every good cop knows you can't be in it 24/7. Even God took a day off. And what day did he take off? It was Sunday. Why did he take off Sunday? I tell you why Sunday, so he could watch football!

Bob Costas: Where's Adrian?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, he's outside. He's workin' the case. He can't give it up.
Bob Costas: Oh, that's just like him. The monomaniacal Mr. Monk. Did he ever tell you how we met?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, not really. He mentioned something about a demented cat salesman.
Bob Costas: Well, no, that's not it exactly. There's a distinction here, and it's really. It's fascinating. The cat salesman was not demented. He sold demented cats. No, no, but really, understand. He had a Siamese who was manic-depressive. He had a paranoid Persian. The guy tried to sell me a calico kitten who was completely psychotic. Evil! I mean, it tried to kill me. The kitten tried to kill me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, nice game though, huh?
Bob Costas: It's a great game. He had a Burmese. Multiple personalities. One of which was a dog. That's how weird it was.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not really a cat person.
Bob Costas: Well, it's... These are the facts. I'm just tellin' ya.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I told you it was just a fan.
Adrian Monk: I just wanna make sure. I wish we had some lab equipment. We could dust for prints.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what I wish? I wish there was two of me so one of me could be out here wasting my life with you, the other one could be in there watching the football game with Bob Costas.

Lieutenant Disher: Turns out it's not our case anyway. Chief Brenner just called, and he's sending a squad down. I'm supposed to stick around and bring him up to speed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did you hear that? It's not our case. Let's go.
Lieutenant Disher: Enjoy the game! Tell Bob Costas that Randy Disher says hi.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Does he know you?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, then, wouldn't that just confuse him?
Lieutenant Disher: Only one way to find out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Come on! You used to be a fun guy.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. No, I remember. I remember the time when you graduated, right? We stole that rowboat, you, me, and Trudy. And the lake patrol stopped us, and you started speaking Spanish. Now, that was funny! That was funny! Where's that guy?
Adrian Monk: Trudy died.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, Trudy died, but you didn't die. You're alive.
Adrian Monk: Alive is a funny word.

Captain Stottlemeyer: There you are. Pretty sweet?
Adrian Monk: Who are all these people, and where are their parents?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.
Adrian Monk: But they're they're not actually playing in the game.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just gotta turn your mind off. You do have an off switch, right?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, here. You can borrow mine. Beer. Nature's off switch.
Adrian Monk: No, thanks. I think I'll pass.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey! Look at this guy. Pace yourself, buddy. It isn't even kickoff yet!
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Get a job. Hippie.

Adrian Monk: Did you enjoy civilization, Leland? I sure did. It was a hell of a run. 8,000 years.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Championship game. Great seats. Perfect weather. It doesn't get any better than this.
Adrian Monk: You said it!
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is better than sex.
Adrian Monk: Well, what isn't?

Adrian Monk: What was that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was the opening kickoff. We're officially missing the game. Why am I not surprised? Monk, what are you doing? With the hands? What?
Adrian Monk: It's just a charcoal grill. It doesn't make any sense. Why would it just explode?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, it makes perfect sense. These things blow up all the time. First off, the kid was plastered. He dumps a half a gallon of lighter fluid on the son of a bitch, dropped a match, and kaboom! No, no, no, first play of the game, and we're already behind.
Adrian Monk: That's not lighter fluid.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's gasoline. You son of a bitch.
Adrian Monk: I didn't do it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, at least quit smiling.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It was just a prank.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but what if it wasn't? You heard the paramedic. That guy could have been killed. No, something is going on here. Feels more like attempted murder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey! You want this to be attempted murder! You do. Yeah, admit it! You need this to be a real case, because that's all you know. Snoopin' around, sniffin' around. Maybe you're right about the grill. You probably are. But it can wait. It can wait. We can lock the scene down. Nobody's goin' anywhere.
Scalper: Tickets here. Who needs two. Who needs two?
Adrian Monk: Hey, isn't that illegal? That's illegal.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a football game, Monk! Come on, use the off switch. Everybody has an off switch, right?
Adrian Monk: He's probably selling them for twice what they're worth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe not.