Bob Costas: [on TV] Well, this morning, the Condors were favored by 12, but the wildcat defense has played a nearly flawless first two quarters of football, and as we send you back to the studio for the halftime show, it's all tied up 10 to 10. [to Stottlemeyer] 10 to 10. Monk'd love that, huh?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Bob, I gotta go.
Bob Costas: Now? It's only halftime.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know. You've been great. Thank you for everything.
Bob Costas: No problem.
Captain Stottlemeyer: But my best friend, great guy, an amazing guy, I left him downstairs alone, and he deserves better.
Bob Costas: Sure. I understand. Is he with Monk?

Bob Costas: Well, I'd say from the standpoint of law enforcement, you and Mr. Monk are the MVPS today. You know, for those who don't know, Adrian Monk is a legend in San Francisco, and on a personal note, a few years back, this man literally saved my life.
Adrian Monk: No, I wouldn't say that. The truth is-
Bob Costas: How can you say that? You were there! The cat tried to kill me!
Adrian Monk: You weren't really in any danger. It was a little calico cat. It was about this big.
Bob Costas: Wait a minute, you proved it. You solved the case. The cat planned the whole thing out. She was gonna kill me with that squeeze toy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the truth is I just wanted to get out of the house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Look, I think we're done here. Bob, cut to a commercial.
Bob Costas: I guess that does it. From summit stadium, again the final. The Condors 27, the Wildcats 24. I'm Bob Costas saying so long. And one last time, the cat was definitely trying to kill me.

Natalie: Mr. Monk said something very interesting today about the game.
Adrian Monk: No, I didn't. I didn't say anything.
Natalie: Yes, you did. What was it again?
Adrian Monk: It's just that I saw a photo of the team in a newspaper, and it was kind of interesting. And I noticed that, if you added up all their uniform numbers, it adds up to 1,000.
Natalie: Wow. Exactly 1,000. Anybody else notice that? That's gotta be a good omen, right?
Adrian Monk: I didn't say it was a good omen.

Adrian Monk: You're talking about this Sunday? I can't make it, sorry. I'm- I'm gonna be at Summit stadium.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait a minute. You're gonna be at the stadium?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You going to the game?
Natalie: Since when?
Adrian Monk: I have to go. I promised Bob. You know, Costas.
Lieutenant Disher: You know Bob Costas?
Adrian Monk: I didn't mention that? I helped him out of a little jam about ten years ago. I never mentioned this?

Adrian Monk: Anyway, he, he sent me this ticket, and I promised I might show up. It's not even a good seat. I have to sit in a box.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A press box.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A press box with Bob Costas. Look at this. An all-access pass in here. You can go into the locker room with that.
Adrian Monk: Why would I want to go in the locker room?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hang on. Oh, my goodness. Monk, there are two tickets here.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who you gonna take?
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, can I talk to you for one second?
Adrian Monk: Don't worry I'm not gonna charge you for the ticket.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here you go.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you should take the captain. He really wants to go. It'll be fun, you and Leland at the big game, hangin' out, couple of guys. You'll have some male bonding time.
Adrian Monk: I think I'd be more comfortable having male bonding time with you.
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: He's gonna want to go in the locker room.

Ticket Taker: Tickets.
Adrian Monk: This will just take a minute. I want to thank you in advance for your patience.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd you do? You sealed the envelope?
Adrian Monk: Almost- Almost there.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. It's Chet, right? We're the police, wondering if we could ask couple of questions about the fire.
Chet: Sure.
Adrian Monk: I found this Condors water bottle.
Crowd: Condors!
Adrian Monk: Yes, that's absolutely correct.

Brett: What happened to you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Brett: You move up here, suddenly you're a Condor fan?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I haven't lived in Los Angeles for 30 years, and as far as I'm concerned, L.A. still doesn't have a football team.
Brett: Ooh. You ugly, dumb son of a bitch!
Adrian Monk: Hey, this man is a friend of mine. You wanna make fun of him, you have to make fun of me first.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, they're just fooling. It's okay. They're just... It's just guy talk.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] Yeah, I know. I know. That's what I was doing. I was that's what I was doing. What is up with those yellow teeth? Don't you know how to brush? And you, hey, the moon called It wants all its craters back. From your skin. 'cause you got bad skin.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So, hey, what's going on? You guys married?
Cory: Oh, yeah, man. Read 'em and weep. The party's over. What about you, man?
Adrian Monk: Well, he was married, and he got divorced. And then his last girlfriend got arrested for murder. Right, you ugly, dumb, sad, lonely Stupid, sad son of a... Right?