Natalie: Mr. Monk! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I was just calling for a taxi. They're gonna pick me up out front in about ten minutes.
Natalie: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth.
Adrian Monk: No, that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, that was some kind of horrible plastic outhouse! Oh, my God. What was I talking into? My God, where's... Where did I put that quarter? For the love of God, Natalie, where did I put that quarter?

Captain Stottlemeyer: My kid, my oldest, has skipped school, and Karen thinks he's gone to a rock show.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I used to do that. Play hooky, go to rock shows.
Natalie: You did?
Adrian Monk: All the time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Anyhow, I gotta get up there, see if I can't find him.
Natalie: Okay. You need some help?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you know, I wouldn't mind. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I'll come with you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.
Natalie: Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: Of course I'm sure.
Natalie: I'm sorry, I just can't picture you at one of these.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city, see the stones.

Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Monk, what did you think of your first rock concert?
Adrian Monk: I like the old songs. Why don't people write old songs anymore?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk.

Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, wait. What kind of rock show is this?
Natalie: It's the biggest festival of the year.
Adrian Monk: Festival?
Natalie: Oh, wait. Were you- Mr. Monk, you thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit? Like in a museum?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, not really.

Adrian Monk: So I guess I'll need a ride home.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not going home without my kid.
Adrian Monk: All right, look, I- I can't. I can't do it. I- I can't go in there.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, come on, the captain needs you.
Adrian Monk: But there's 10,000 of them, and not even one of me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, look, I understand Monk. Why don't you just go wait by the car?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'll go wait by the car.
Natalie: Okay, it's gonna be awhile.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'll be okay, don't worry about me. Take your time, but- But hurry back. But take your time. And hurry back.

Adrian Monk: Oh, how long do you think I was in there?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk, maybe a minute.
Adrian Monk: That was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device, that thing.
Natalie: Yeah, I know. I actually read, for the Spanish Inquisition, they used to lock people in Port-A-Johns.
Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me.

Kendra Frank: Excuse me! Excuse me, hi. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective.
Adrian Monk: That's true, I am some kind of detective.

Lieutenant Disher: [answers phone, hoarsely] Hello?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, how you doing, buddy, I'm... I was worried about you.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: [coughs] What time is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you up? Hey, what's that music I hear?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, it's just my stereo. [coughs] It's broken, I can't turn it down. Listen, Captain, thanks for calling.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm gonna... I'm gonna get up now. I think I should make myself some soup. [coughs]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, soup, that's good. Yeah, fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.
Lieutenant Disher: Fluids, okay, I will. Thanks for calling, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take care, all right.
Lieutenant Disher: [to a woman] My boss. [Stottlemeyer pats Randy on the shoulder] Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick too?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Randy, I'm looking for Jared.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, here's what happened with me. I was on my way to the doctor, and the... I was... And the... The... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared.

Adrian Monk: [shouting over the music] Here's what happened! The roadie, Stork, wrote a song.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: The roadie, Stork, wrote a song! Kris Kedder stole it! Stork must have confronted Kedder! Kris killed him!
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like Stork OD'd! So he stuffed him into the hell hole!
Natalie: You mean that Port-A-John!
Adrian Monk: No, I mean the hell hole!
Captain Stottlemeyer: The hell what?
Adrian Monk: At some point, he remembered that Stork was off drugs and that he was afraid of needles! He knew that nobody would believe that Stork OD'd like that! Then he had to make it look like Stork was back on drugs and over his fear of needles, so he disguised himself and he went to the acupuncturist!
Natalie: Oh, and he made sure he mentioned he was looking for heroin!
Adrian Monk: Right. And he put the map in Stork's pocket to lead us to the acupuncturist. And he... Uh, uh. And he closed the door. And he locked it from the outside. God, I can't hear the music. I think I've gone deaf.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, the song is over.

Natalie: Captain!
Adrian Monk: Oh, Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. All right, I- I wouldn't even be here if I could drive or had anything else to do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I give up, what is it?
Natalie: It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you going to do about it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
Natalie: No, we've already submitted this twice. It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation.
Adrian Monk: Not my idea.