Adrian Monk: I have a job interview tomorrow.
Dr. Kroger: Really?
Adrian Monk: That's, that's wonderful. It's Sharona's idea. It's at a magazine. They're looking for a fact checker.
Dr. Kroger: Perfect. You excited?
Adrian Monk: I'm scared to death. It's my first job interview in 20 years.
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] You're going to be fine. You just have to be your... [stops talking]
Adrian Monk: Myself?

Ms. Lennington: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine, thank you. The chair is a little wobbly. You'd think it would bother me, but it doesn't.
Ms. Lennington: Let's see, Adrian Monk. When did you fill this out?
Adrian Monk: Just now in the waiting room.
Ms. Lennington: But it's typed.
Adrian Monk: No, ma'am, I, I used a pencil.
Ms. Lennington: This is the neatest handwriting I've ever seen.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Ms. Lennington: Would you like another chair?
Adrian Monk: No. I'm fine. I'm normal. I'm a normal person.
Ms. Lennington: I see here you worked as a consultant for the police department. That must've been very exciting. Um, have you ever done any fact checking?
Adrian Monk: Um, no, ma'am, unless you count this morning.
Ms. Lennington: What happened this morning?
Adrian Monk: Well, Sharona took me to the library to look at some back issues of your magazine. I found a few mistakes.
Ms. Lennington: Huh. I- Page 32, "the building was decimated."
Adrian Monk: Technically inaccurate. Decimate means "to reduce by 1/10th." Deci-mate.
Ms. Lennington: Wow. And you did all this this morning in the library. How many magazines did you read?
Adrian Monk: One. Just that, just that one.
Ms. Lennington: One.
Adrian Monk: Wow. It's a gift. And, and a curse.
Ms. Lennington: I can see that. Do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk: Just, uh, yes. If, if I get the job, will this be my chair?
Ms. Lennington: Not while I'm here.

Sharona: Did you go on the interview? [Monk nods, then hangs his head] Was it that bad?
Adrian Monk: It was pretty bad.
Sharona: Adrian, I am so sorry. But you know what? The most important thing is that you did it. So don't be so discouraged. I mean, there's a million other jobs out there.
Adrian Monk: [pained] I got the job.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: I start on Monday.
Sharona: $42,000 a year, plus a medical plan? Four weeks paid vacation and a dental plan? You got that on your, on your first interview? How did you do that?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Sharona: Did you tell her that Marmaduke joke? [Monk nods] You told her that stupid joke, and now you have a medical plan?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.

Sharona: Wait, wait, wait, you figured out who grabbed the hat?
Adrian Monk: The other case, the big one. The torso murder and the commissioner's hat. They're both connected.
Sharona: They are?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, they're gonna have to rehire me. They're gonna have to. [dances]
Sharona: Adrian, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I solved the case!
Sharona: Yeah, I know, but... What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm happy. I'm doing a jig.
Sharona: That's not a jig.
Adrian Monk: What is it, then?
Sharona: You know what? I don't know. And I don't wanna know.
Adrian Monk: I'm back, baby! I'm back!

Lieutenant Disher: You know, Captain, it's moments like these that I remember why I joined the force. I realized that's where I belonged. I belong behind the badge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, never mind. Lieutenant, just go downtown. Book him.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, everybody, listen up. You all know my wife Karen. She's making a movie.
Karen Stottlemeyer: A documentary, Leland. This is cinema verite.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. It's for public television. Um, about me. It's about all of us. Behind the scenes at a typical detective division. The department figures it'd be a good idea, good P.R.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Just be yourselves. Just pretend that we're not even here.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Chambers. Good work on that robbery in north beach. You really nailed them.
Chambers: I hope so. I hate those punks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, we don't hate. No, we don't really hate anybody. We, um, we try to understand them.
the, uh, underlying causes, the, uh... Particularly the minorities.

Commissioner Brooks: What were you just talking about?
Lieutenant Disher: Uh, the, uh, fire up on 24th street, sir.
Commissioner Brooks: Oh, you mean this fire?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Commissioner Brooks: You mean this story? Because I thought you might be working on this case. "Body headless, police clueless." What page is this on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's the front page.
Commissioner Brooks: That's right. Front page, page 22. Very important, not important. Press are all over us, nobody cares. What case do you think we should concentrate on, captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The torso case.
Commissioner Brooks: Good choice. And in case you forget, you can always rewind your tape and play it back.

Commissioner Brooks: I want you to go down to the M.E.'s office, sit on the autopsy, and let me know where we are.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, sir. Um, you remember Sharona Fleming, Adrian Monk. I've asked Adrian in as a consultant I thought a fresh pair of eyes...
Commissioner Brooks: Consultant? What the hell am I paying you for? I know Mr. Monk. Do you remember the last time we met, Monk? You were lying under oath about a friend of mine. John Marotta was a good cop.
Adrian Monk: Marotta planted that gun.
Commissioner Brooks: Well, that's a matter of opinion.
Adrian Monk: Well, not according to the jury.
Commissioner Brooks: Don't touch me. As far as I'm concerned, Monk, you're coming into this with two strikes. Understand me?
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. Yes, sir, I do.