Ms. Lennington: Mr. Monk, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Mm... [long, expectant pause] My decisiveness.

Dr. Kroger: Hello, Adrian. Thank you for coming in. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Adrian Monk: Well, I was married for seven years until a car bomb killed my wife. I've spent the last seven years trying to track down the people responsible for my wife's murder.
Dr. Kroger: Do you have any hobbies?
Adrian Monk: I do. I spend my free time tracking down the people who planted the car bomb that killed my wife.
Dr. Kroger: Okay, Adrian, just a little pointer here. Maybe you don't have to keep mentioning the car bomb.
Adrian Monk: Okay. I'll just say bomb.

Sharona: Adrian, I know you're scared, but you can't keep following me around like this. I can't afford to lose two jobs in one week. I just can't.
Adrian Monk: Where should I go?
Sharona: It's a beautiful day outside. Why don't you try taking a walk? But you just can't stay here. You're not allowed. You are not a patient.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I haven't been feeling so good.
Sharona: Really?
Adrian Monk: I think I'm may becoming down with something. [coughs] I might have caught what he has.
Sharona: So you want to be admitted?
Adrian Monk: Well...
Sharona: Mm, then I have to take your temperature.
Adrian Monk: Okay. [opens mouth]
Sharona: It's not that kind of thermometer.
Adrian Monk: You know, I think I will take that walk.
Sharona: Thought so.

Lieutenant Disher: Good versus evil... It's just more of a constant struggle between right and wrong. Good and evil, it's the oldest struggle in the world. Am I afraid of dying? Everybody dies. Dying is just a part of living. But when I go, I'm gonna go with my badge held high and then to my house justified because it's my life. My life behind the badge.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Your toupee.
Commissioner Brooks: I don't know what you're talking about.
Sharona: Come on, it's a rug. What, are you gonna deny it?
Commissioner Brooks: I don't wear a toupee.
Adrian Monk: It was Paul Harley that was grabbing your hat. Except he wasn't after your hat. He was trying to grab your...
Sharona: Head doily. I can see it from here.
Commissioner Brooks: This is my own hair.
Adrian Monk: You mean you would let a murderer a man who killed two people in cold blood walk because, because you refuse to admit that you're wearing a piece?
Commissioner Brooks: I get it. You're trying to embarrass me in front of the camera.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody's trying to embarrass you, commissioner, but I am going to rip that hairpiece off of your head. It is a critical piece of evidence.
Commissioner Brooks: You wouldn't dare.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to Monk] Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: 100% [Stottlemeyer grabs Brooks' hair] 93-94%. [Stottlemeyer pulls harder] 74%.
Commissioner Brooks: Are you finished? The answer is... yes. You, my friend, are finished in every sense of the word!
Sharona: 74% is good enough for me.
Commissioner Brooks: Aah, get off me, get off me! Get her off me!
[Sharona finally pulls Commissioner Brooks' hair piece off his head]

Adrian Monk: Sharona said I should start off with a joke to break the ice.
Ms. Lennington: Who's Sharona?
Adrian Monk: My nurse. Do you like Marmaduke?
Ms. Lennington: Who?
Adrian Monk: He's in the comics. He's a dog. But he's big. He's the biggest dog in the world. Today, he got stuck in the doggie door again. And the man said, "At least this time, he's facing the right way." [slight chuckle] You can learn a lot from Marmaduke.
Ms. Lennington: I think I just did.

Captain Stottlemeyer: For god's sake, Monk, what are you doing here? Okay, look, you can't stay. The commissioner could be here any minute. If he finds you here, we're both out of work.
Adrian Monk: This garage has been cleaned... scrubbed with bleach recently.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you should see the house. It's like a hospital in there. You could almost live in it.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, we got the prelim on that fire from the hair outlet. Looks like arson.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's what I thought.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir, you were right, again. I don't know how you do it you and your hunches.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, what does the fire marshal have to say?
Lieutenant Disher: Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive.
Could I, shall I go back and do that again?
Karen Stottlemeyer: No, that's ok.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, the question is why would anybody torch a wig factory? Does anybody have a motive?
Lieutenant Disher: Probably the owner, for the insurance.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's an interesting theory, Randy, but, uh, the, uh... The guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. I forgot that.

Medical Examiner: Victim is a female caucasian, 20-25 years of age, all four extremities have been severed at a 45-degree angle, posterior to anterior-
Adrian Monk: She's older.
Medical Examiner: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: She's at least 26. She was raised in one of the Baltic states. Estonia, Latvia, probably Lithuania.
Medical Examiner: Anything else?
Adrian Monk: No, no, that's it. Except the killer was a mountain climber, very experienced, and, uh he's left-handed.
Medical Examiner: You can tell all of that from this?
Adrian Monk: Well, that scar on her upper arm is from a smallpox vaccination. It was common in the Baltic states. They stopped vaccinating in 1978, so she had to have been born before then.
Medical Examiner: What about mountain climber?
Adrian Monk: The fiber rope and the knot. I believe it's called the prusik knot. Mountain climbers use it. And it's tied with the top loop facing right, so of course, he's left-handed.

Head Nurse: It's your friend Mr. Monk. He's here again.
Sharona: Oh, God. Just hold on one sec, okay?
Head Nurse: He's out front. He's been there for an hour.
Sharona: Look, he's having a really tough week, okay? He just lost his job.
Head Nurse: Sharona, you know how I feel about you. You're the best nurse I ever trained, and you're welcome back anytime. But he's out there every day, just sitting there. It's kind of creepy.
Sharona: It's not creepy. He's just sad. And creepy. I guess he's both, okay? I'll go talk to him.