Adrian Monk: Karen kicked you out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: You didn't eat dinner at home. A receipt here from Happy Burger.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. We're having some problems. I'm gonna crash down the street at the Red Roof Inn again.
Adrian Monk: Why don't you stay here? [Stottlemeyer laughs] Look, you were there for me. When I went through my rough patch, remember?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Yeah, I remember your rough patch. It lasted three and a half years. I wouldn't mind the company.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you doing, Monk? I have a coaster.
Adrian Monk: I always put another one underneath. It's, uh It's like a backup.

Adrian Monk: So, what do you think?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a better cop than me.
Adrian Monk: Don't say that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk. You're a freak of nature.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: But when Karen sees things that I miss, I might as well just hang it up.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Guess where I was today. I was at the Leveroni gravesite. Do you remember that?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was a hit and run, five years ago.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Seventeen years old, valedictorian. Killed three blocks from his house. I always figured somebody would confess.
Adrian Monk: Well, me too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, how-how-how can somebody live with themselves, you know? I mean, you gotta tell somebody.
Adrian Monk: The urge to confess.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's the cop's best friend.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I like it like this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's crooked.
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. The whole house is laid out at right angles. Everything. Except this table. Do you want to tell me why?
Adrian Monk: Uh-uh.

Karen Stottlemeyer: Did Leland send you?
Sharona: No. I swear. I didn't even tell Adrian I was coming. You okay?
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's called Bikram Yoga. You should try it.
Sharona: Looks pretty painful.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's supposed to be. "No pain, no gain."
Sharona: I have a different motto. "No pain? What's the catch?"

Captain Stottlemeyer: Last night midnight I get up and use the bathroom. Five minutes later, I hear him. He's in there cleaning. An hour and a half.
Lieutenant Disher: Geez.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Kind of makes a guy self-conscious.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, you could stay with me, sir. I have TiVo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. No, I couldn't leave now. I'd hurt his feelings. He thinks he owes me because I held his hand when Trudy died. That's my new, full-time job. Not hurting people's feelings.

Adrian Monk: Oh, and, uh Sharona gave me this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karen's movie.
Adrian Monk: Sharona says you have to watch it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I tried. Three times. When I watch it, all I can think of is it cost 45 grand. It was either this or a cabin cruiser. Thirty-two foot, fiberglass. Thank you. Well, we talked about it, and we decided to make the movie.

Adrian Monk: This security guard. George Rowe. Look at the signatures. This is Monday, the day of the murder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
Adrian Monk: These two are from last week.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that's a pretty good match.
Adrian Monk: Not the handwriting. Look at Monday. He misspelled his name.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch. How did I miss that? What is wrong with me?

Captain Stottlemeyer: I should just quit. I wonder if Home Depot's hiring.
Adrian Monk: It's just a slump. It happens.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not to you.
Adrian Monk: I didn't leave my house for three and a half years. The slump of the century.