Lieutenant Disher: Your wife's here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. Okay. Uh, look, I need a few minutes. Could you stall her?
Lieutenant Disher: What should I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, talk to her.
Lieutenant Disher: About what? I mean, what does she like to talk about?
Captain Stottlemeyer: How I ruined her life.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I always have a glass of milk before bed.
Adrian Monk: But that's not...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shut up.

Lieutenant Disher: I want to show you something. They just issued these. [Karen gasps] It's a Beretta. Nine-millimeter Centurion. It holds 15 in the mag, one in the chamber.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Mm. You know how I feel about guns.
Lieutenant Disher: I know you have strong feelings. I just can't remember what they are.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I'm against them, Lieutenant. My husband doesn't carry a weapon. I don't know why you need to.

Karen Stottlemeyer: Now, I know it sounds crazy, but I went to the nursing home this morning to wish him a happy birthday, and they had just found him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh?
Karen Stottlemeyer: The coroner was there. There was something wrong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh?
Karen Stottlemeyer: You see, they said he died in bed, but Leland, he never used the bed. He slept in a chair. He told me he was afraid that if he ever laid down, he would never get up again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Karen...
Karen Stottlemeyer: Also, they found a book on his chest. Like he'd been reading. But he couldn't read, because he was nearly blind. So I told the head nurse to lock down that room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You what?
Karen Stottlemeyer: So that you can investigate.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karen, you can't do that. Wh-What are you, a homicide detective?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, how old was this guy?
Karen Stottlemeyer: 115.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 115? People that old, they die! It's It's like their job. Now, be reasonable. Who would kill the oldest man in the world? I mean, why would they bother?

Adrian Monk: Uh, could we switch chairs? It's the tassels. Uh, my chair has tassels. A lot of tassels here.
Sharona: Will you stop staying "tassels"?

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Ma'am, even if I agreed with you I do not have the authority to take the billboard down. Look. Have you considered taking a different road home? You have a nice day too.

Lieutenant Disher: He'll just be a minute. He's on a call. So, uh, you're workin' on a new script?
Karen Stottlemeyer: I make documentary films, Lieutenant. I don't use scripts. The world is my script.
Lieutenant Disher: Neat.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Big special crystal. And the magic dream catcher. There we go.

Karen Stottlemeyer: It's a hunch. You get hunches all the time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, well, that's my job, I'm a professional.
Karen Stottlemeyer: So you're not going to investigate?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, honey.
Kevin Dorfman: Once again, I'm asking too much. Is that it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I-I don't tell you how to make your little movies.
Karen Stottlemeyer: They're documentaries, Leland. Is this what you meant when you told Dr. Mosely you were going to be more supportive? You promised. You swore you were going to try!
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, look. I'll call Monk. He's the best detective I know. And if Monk thinks there's been foul play, I'll look into it.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Promise?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. I promise.

Gravedigger: I remember that case. It was a hit-and-run, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Seventeen years old. He'd been accepted to Princeton.
Gravedigger: I dug that hole. I'll never forget it. The ground was frozen solid. It was like the Earth didn't want him. Did they ever catch the son of a bitch?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I never did.
Gravedigger: It was your case?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Still is. Still is.