Lieutenant Disher: Captain, I have a thought about the paperboy. [Captain signals for Disher to continue] ...
Captain Stottlemeyer: This means "hurry up."
Lieutenant Disher: It was a burglary. The paperboy interrupted a B-and-E in progress. It fits. There were five break-ins on that block last year alone.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope. I looked into that already. All of those break-ins were hot prowls forced entry with a crowbar.
Lieutenant Disher: Right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Our guy was empty-handed.
Lieutenant Disher: What about a car thief?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that doesn't explain the taking of the newspapers, does it?
Lieutenant Disher: Right. So we're back to Monk's theory.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm afraid so. [motions to the door] ... And this means "We're leaving."
Lieutenant Disher: Right.

Lieutenant Disher: Wow. How'd you clean up so fast?
Adrian Monk: I cleaned up last night.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you sleep at all?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He can sleep while he cleans. I've seen it.

Kevin Dorfman: Oh, hi. Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Adrian, do you have any olive oil? I'm making mushroom moussaka. It's Vicki's favorite.
Adrian Monk: Uh, uh, yeah, I think so. How's it going up there?
Kevin Dorfman: Pretty good. We haven't left the apartment since Friday.
Adrian Monk: I know. I can, uh... I know.
Kevin Dorfman: The fact is, I think I'm in love.
Adrian Monk: Good. Good. Love is good. Is there anything else?
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, well, let's see. Uh, I have the eggplant. I have the chopped onions.
Adrian Monk: Excellent.
Kevin Dorfman: have the salt. And I have the cinnamon.
Adrian Monk: Okay! If you need anything...
Kevin Dorfman: I have the oregano. I have the parsley. I don't have butter, but I can use margarine.
Adrian Monk: What a relief. What a relief. Well, this was fun.
Kevin Dorfman: I will bring this back to you later.
Adrian Monk: No, no. You keep it. It's yours. Good luck!

Captain Stottlemeyer: Listen to this. This is, uh, news from around the world. Paris, France. There is an unsolved murder. A woman was found strangled and both of her hands were cut off.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: No, it happens all the time. No fingerprints makes it harder to I.D. the body.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, here's the thing. They found the hands. They were a couple of meters away from the body in the grass.
Adrian Monk: The killer cut off both hands but then left them near the body?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Yeah, she and her husband both worked as curators at the prison museum in the Bastille.
Adrian Monk: Prison museum.

Adrian Monk: [on the phone] Hello. Bonjour. Bonjour. Yes, I think I know who killed Madam Beaudreau.
Captain Duprat: Oui, Monsieur Monk. What is your theory?
Adrian Monk: I think her husband did it.
Captain Duprat: Well, we suspected him from the beginning. But why did he cut off her hands?
Adrian Monk: He must have used a pair of handcuffs from the museum to restrain her.
Captain Duprat: I do not follow you.
Adrian Monk: They were antique handcuffs very distinctive so they could easily have been traced back to him.
Captain Duprat: Mon Dieu.
Adrian Monk: He must have lost the key. He was desperate. He had to get them off the body.
Captain Duprat: Well, that makes sense. Lafitte, why didn't I think of that? Monsieur Monk, you are a genius. Perhaps, sir, some day you will fly to Paris, and I can thank you in person.
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, that sounds like fun. I'll check my calendar. Okay. Au revoir.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, what I can't get over is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years. All of a sudden, we got two. First, your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper and now, this robbery.
Adrian Monk: This was no robbery.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What? The killer took the money.
Adrian Monk: The killer wants us to think robbery, but why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank?
Adrian Monk: No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how do you know the victim wasn't drinking the soda? He worked at the Stop-N-Go.
Adrian Monk: That's true.
Sharona: It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle.
Adrian Monk: How did I miss that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: She's stronger and smarter than you are.

Benjy: This is the same headline as yesterday.
Sharona: It's the same paper, honey.
Benjy: You're reading the same newspaper?
Adrian Monk: It's part of a case we're working on. It's hard to explain.
Benjy: Is it harder than opening a car door?
Sharona: Benjy! I didn't say anything, I swear.
Benjy: I heard Mom talking to Aunt Gail. Mom says you feel threatened by her because she's stronger than you.
Sharona: Benjy!
Benjy: What? It's the truth.

Benjy: Hey. Hey. Why don't you guys arm wrestle? Yeah, then you'll know for sure.
Sharona: We're not gonna arm wrestle.
Benjy: Well, why not?
Sharona: Because he doesn't want to.
Benjy: Sure he does. He's not afraid of you. Are you, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Let's do it.
Benjy: Oh, boy. This is like Triple H versus The Undertaker.

Kevin Dorfman: Mr. Monk, I don't think you've ever met Vicki before.
Vicki: Honey, he obviously can't shake hands right now.
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, it's okay. He's not big on handshakes anyway. I just had to tell somebody. We're getting married!
Sharona: Really? So fast?
Adrian Monk: When's the big day?
Kevin Dorfman: Tomorrow. Vicki didn't want to wait.
Vicki: Yeah, I have a friend who works at the hospital, so we don't have to wait for blood tests. Come on, honey. We're late.
Kevin Dorfman: Okay. Holy Toledo. We've got to go. Tell me who wins.

Adrian Monk: You recognize these numbers?
Sharona: No. Will you slow down? I'm in heels.
Adrian Monk: Well, I knew I'd heard these numbers before. I called Lieutenant Disher, and I asked him to check his notes just to make sure. Remember when Kevin Dorfman came downstairs after the murder? He started reeling off his old addresses. Sharona, Kevin won the lottery on Thursday night. 17, 26, 34. These are his old house numbers. He played the same numbers every week. A lot of people do.
Sharona: Okay, wait, wait, wait. Kevin won $43 million? Why didn't he say anything?
Adrian Monk: Because he didn't know. He still doesn't. But Vicki knows. Kevin bought his lottery tickets at the Stop-N-Go every week. After awhile, Vicki and the other clerk, probably her accomplice, got to know his lucky numbers by heart. When the numbers were drawn, they realized Kevin had won. They knew he lived alone, that he didn't have many friends, and it occurred to them that maybe, just maybe, he didn't know he had won. They came up with a plan. Probably Vicki's idea.
Sharona: Why Vicki?
Adrian Monk: Because, the other guy's dead. Later, on some pretext, Vicki woke Kevin up. For a woman like her, the rest was easy. All Vicki had to do was keep Kevin distracted for a day or two. She didn't let him answer his phone. She probably unplugged the T.V. She didn't want him to see or even think about the winning lottery numbers.
Sharona: Wait, I still don't get it. Why did they kill your paperboy?
Adrian Monk: They didn't know it was my paper. They thought it was Kevin's, and they couldn't afford to let him see this. It had nothing to do with me.
Sharona: Why didn't she just steal the ticket?
Adrian Monk: The time stamp on the ticket would match the time code from the store security camera. He could prove it was his.
Sharona: They're getting married.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. That was her plan from the beginning to get him to marry her before he knew he was worth a fortune.