Kurt Wolff: Let's see, I design most of the stuff myself, like this necklace, for instance. Take a look. It shoots pepper spray. I custom-made it for a famous movie star.
Adrian Monk: Joey Heatherton?
Kurt Wolff: Um, I can't tell you who. All I can say is, uh, she's very beautiful.
Adrian Monk: Joey Heatherton.

Chloe Blackburn: Is that all?
Adrian Monk: Um...
Chloe Blackburn: I'm in mourning, Mr. Monk. I really need to be alone.
Adrian Monk: Of course. So then who was here last night?
Chloe Blackburn: Um, I had a friend over. We had some wine.
Adrian Monk: Well, champagne.
Sharona: Well, you're wearing a man's shirt.
Chloe Blackburn: It's my husband's.

Sharona: Now do you believe me? She's sleeping around.
Adrian Monk: That's not a crime. In her world, it's standard operating procedure.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What happened here? Did you have a party?
Sharona: Uh, it's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
Lieutenant Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
Sharona: What are you talking about?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're going to find him. Is he here?
Sharona: [to Disher] Hey, will you put that away? This is my house.
Lieutenant Disher: He's killed before.
Sharona: No, he hasn't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sharona we know that you took him. Now, either you tell us where he is, or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
Lieutenant Disher: [over radio] Living room secure. I'm heading to the kitchen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm 10 feet away.
Lieutenant Disher: Roger. Roger that.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, what happened here?
Sharona: Benjy threw up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: On the wall?
Sharona: It was pretty awful.

Benjy: What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um, your mom bet Randy that she could get out of his handcuffs, and, uh, she couldn't, so, uh... Take them off. Take them off.
Sharona: Benjy, you were right.
Benjy: About what?
Sharona: About standing up for that little boy in school. You did the right thing. So now I'm standing up for somebody who can't protect himself.
Benjy: You mean Darwin?
Sharona: Yeah. Look, everything's going to be okay, all right? Captain Stottlemeyer's going to take you to aunt Gail's, and you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do after I tell him.

Adrian Monk: Hi. Remember me?
Sharona: Adrian, it's only been two hours. Come on. How's Benjy?
Adrian Monk: Oh, he's good. I just talked to him. Said he's very proud of you.
Sharona: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: [places hand in sticky substance on table] Oh. Oh. Wipe. Sharona, wipe.
Sharona: I don't have any wipes. I'm in jail.
Adrian Monk: Oh, what is it? Oh, my God, get it off me. Oh, God, get it off. It's jail goo. This is, this is jail goo.
Sharona: You know what? You know what? I put an extra wipe in your pocket. Give me, give me the wipe.
Adrian Monk: Oh, God. It's connected.
Sharona: Will you please relax? I'm in no mood.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Jail goo.

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, are you all right?
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger, yes. Thank you for coming.
Dr. Kroger: Well, yeah, I usually don't make house calls, but you said that it couldn't wait.
Adrian Monk: Would you like some juice? There's an ape in my house. I have an ape in my house.
Dr. Kroger: Well, I've never, I've never been to your house before. Adrian, is, is that Darwin from the murder case? Well, uh, uh... Uh, maybe, maybe you should just call the police.
Adrian Monk: I can't do that. Sharona left him here. She, she's protecting him. She'd never forgive me.

Dr. Kroger: Why don't we just leave him here and and we'll just go back to my office?
Adrian Monk: I can't do that, either. She expects me to take care of him.
Dr. Kroger: Well, you know, Adrian, I, I can see that, that your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm, I'm proud of you. How do, how do you feel?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine. These things happen. What can you do?
Dr. Kroger: Exactly, exactly. See, these are all just material objects. You know, you can always replace anything that he breaks or chews or pees on.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on. Chews or pees on.

Landlord: Where are you? Are you in here? Hey, Monk, did you put this up? You can't sell this house. You're renting.
Adrian Monk: I can't live here anymore.
Landlord: But it's not your house.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on.