Natalie: He's not retired. He's joking, he's joking. So would you guys like to have a seat?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no! No, that couch doesn't work. None of these chairs... Hey, I have an idea. Uh, why don't we all stand on some newspaper? Julie, go get some newspaper. Everybody hold it in until we get some newspaper, okay?
Ike: Hold what in? What do you think we're gonna do?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know. Just hold it in. Hold it.

Reggie: Mm, this is good. This stuffing is delicious.
Natalie: Oh, thank you, it's my grandmother's recipe.
Reggie: I love this gravy. Usually we make our own, but...
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, could you repeat that about the gravy?
Reggie: Mm. Usually we make our own.
Adrian Monk: Huh. Isn't that interesting? Natalie, did you hear that?
Natalie: Yes. Yes, I did.
Adrian Monk: Good. Interesting.

Adrian Monk: Uh, excuse me, what's going on?
Man: The fountain is blessed. Exodus 23. "And ye shall serve the Lord your God. And he shall bless thy bread and thy water. And I will take the sickness from amidst thee."
Adrian Monk: No kidding. We're looking for a friend of ours. Uh, they found his car parked out front.
Man: I haven't seen him.

Julie Teeger: "My dear friends, drinking from that fountain has healed me, not just physically, spiritually too. I have made a decision. I am leaving on Thursday morning, Christmas day, to spend two years at a mission in Carmona, Spain, to cleanse myself and start anew."
Adrian Monk: Two years?
Julie Teeger: "I want everyone to know I am not running away from anything. I am running toward something, something true and wonderful. God bless you all, Brother Leland." And here's his badge.
Adrian Monk: Two years? That's almost three years. Without the captain? What am I supposed to do? It's almost as if he didn't even consider me.
Julie Teeger: Well, maybe he knows what he's doing.
Natalie: Yeah. Maybe we should be happy for him.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, okay. Okay. Let me try. Hmm. No, that's not gonna happen.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, why don't you try it?
Adrian Monk: Try what?
Natalie: Drinking from the fountain. It worked for the captain.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie: Oh, God, Mr. Monk, come on. You have to believe in something. I don't know what I'd do If I didn't think I'd see Mitch again.
Adrian Monk: You mean in heaven?
Natalie: Of course in heaven! Where'd you think I was going?
Adrian Monk: Well, you know, the drinking, and you kissed a leper.
Natalie: You think I'm going to hell?
Adrian Monk: She kissed a leper.

Lieutenant Disher: McCloskey's already talking. We're digging up the fountain tomorrow too. I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not.
Lieutenant Disher: How's that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not sorry. [chuckles] I know it's all a hoax. I know it's a big con game. But It felt real. That's all I can say. Randy, when I drank that water, something happened. It was like a slate inside me was wiped clean and I started over. It felt great. Hey, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call my son. Oh, no, no, hang on. Wait a minute. Um, I almost forgot. This is for you. [hands Disher a razor] Merry Christmas. [answers phone] Jared, hey! I was just about to call you. Yeah, I love you too.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a razor. Is this for me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shave it.

Lieutenant Disher: It's a razor. Is this for me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shave it. [on the phone with Jared] Oh, I- Oh, I'd love to see you. I'm- I- I'm free all weekend. That'd be great.
Lieutenant Disher: What if I grow a little goatee instead?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [to Jared] Uh, Friday, uh, Friday, yeah. Friday night, I'll pick you up at the airport.
Lieutenant Disher: What about sideburns? I could do sideburns. Like, probably down to the bottom of my ear, I bet. Mutton chops.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. [to Jared] Hey, look, um, Friday night, I'll meet you at the airport.
Lieutenant Disher: Soul patch. I can do a soul patch right there.

Adrian Monk: Is that my ladle?
Natalie: Is that a problem?
Adrian Monk: No, it's fine. Help yourself. [doorbell rings]
Julie Teeger: I'll get it.
Natalie: Wait, I-
Adrian Monk: May I? I just thought of something I want for Christmas. A new ladle. And a lock for my utensil drawer.

Natalie: Can we do anything for you gentlemen?
The Professor: Last night, a friend of ours was killed. And we want to hire Mr. Monk to investigate. Did you talk to the police?
Reggie: They didn't really listen, ma'am. They said it was an accident. And that Willie - that's his name - climbed into an old refrigerator to stay warm, closed the door, and then suffocated.
Adrian Monk: Accidents.
Natalie: But you don't think so.
Ike: Last night, he said that someone was after him, someone was chasing him. But we didn't believe him.
Adrian Monk: Delusional.
The Professor: We got money. You can redeem these anywhere. It comes to $14. [drops trash bags]
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God.

Adrian Monk: What are you doing, Natalie? You're not really gonna feed them.
Natalie: Of course I'm feeding them. They're hungry.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie, Natalie, I- I can't take this job. Please don't make me take this job.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you have to help these men.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here it comes.
Natalie: Number one, they have nowhere else to go. Number two, they collected cans and bottles to pay your salary. That's every nickel they have in the world. When was the last time a client offered you every nickel they had?
Reggie: [holding ladle] Excuse me. You throwing this away?
Adrian Monk: You know what, it's all yours. You keep it.