Commentator: [on TV] There is something you don't see every day. A runner in this race with four legs.
Lieutenant Disher: Hang on a second. Stop the tape.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: What's that right there? Go back a little. Is that a dog?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. It's a poodle.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe he put the chip in the dog collar.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a little poodle. Can a little poodle run 26 miles?
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe he drugged it. I mean, if it's on drugs, yeah. I can call a vet.

Sharona: Why don't you sit down? [Monk shakes his head] Well, at least hold the pole. [Monk shakes his head] How do you explain this: I touch everything you're afraid to touch, and I never get sick.
Adrian Monk: I can't explain it. It's inexplicable.
Sharona: No. You're inexplicable.

Trevor McDowell: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Monk and Sharona, am I right? What can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: Do you have a minute, sir?
Trevor McDowell: I have all the time in the world. As a matter of fact, there's a sale on all the convertible sofas if you're interested.
Adrian Monk: No, thanks.
Trevor McDowell: I'll make you a great deal. Free home delivery.
Adrian Monk: We're not here to shop.
Sharona: Although, if it turns out you're innocent, I'd like to talk to you about that recliner.

Angie Morrison: Hello. Can we help you?
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Oh, no. It's a stampede. Get a wipe ready. [to Angie] I'm Adrian Monk. I called earlier.
Angie Morrison: Oh, Mr. Monk. Please excuse the mess. After the marathon, we just kind of hibernate for a while, you know.
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant Sharona. [Sharona is still searching for a wipe]
Angie Morrison: Hi. Oh, I'm this year's chairperson, Angie Morrison. [Monk shakes her hand] This is Tillie Graves [Monk shakes her hand], Cicily Fraiser [Monk shakes her hand], and Brandon Connelly over there [Monk shakes his hand].
Adrian Monk: Got it. Brandon Connelly, hi. [Sharona finally gets a wipe out]
Angie Morrison: And this is Carl Jenkins. He's our chief of security.
Adrian Monk: Hi, Carl. [Monk shakes his hand]
Carl: Hi.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Thank you. [wipes hand]
Carl: You got a problem with me?
Adrian Monk: What? Oh, no, no, no.
Carl: You don't want to shake a brother's hand, you just say so. You don't gotta go wiping it off.
Sharona: Oh, no. He does that to everybody.
Carl: Am I blind? Do I look like I'm blind? I saw what I saw. I'm gonna go and lock up downstairs. If I stick around here, I might do something I'll regret.
Tillie Graves: We're all just people, Mr. Monk.

Sharona: So are you gonna tell me?
Adrian Monk: What?
Sharona: Why you quit running. You said there was an incident.
Adrian Monk: Uh, ancient history.
Sharona: Come on. You know you're gonna tell me.
Adrian Monk: Okay, fine. May 2, 1974. Our high school track team. We had a great year. We made it to the All-State conference. It was the biggest day of my life. It was all tied up. It came down to the last event: The 1500 meter. Everyone was depending on me. But just before the gun, I looked down, and my laces were, you know, uneven. It was the first time that I had a problem like that in public. Never ran again.
Sharona: That must have been terrible.
Adrian Monk: I got over it.
Sharona: No, you didn't.
Adrian Monk: That's true. I didn't. Thank you.

Sharona: I just can't picture you on a track team.
Adrian Monk: I had a life, you know, before we met.
Sharona: Oh, no, no. I know you had a life. I just didn't think it involved wearing gym shorts and showering with other guys.
Adrian Monk: I didn't shower with other guys. I had a note from my doctor.
Sharona: I bet you had lots of notes from your doctor.
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, I did. I had a whole, separate binder.

Adrian Monk: You see that lamp there? It's got-
Sharona: Don't even think about it.
Adrian Monk: But it's not-
Sharona: Stop. Stop. It's supposed to-
Trevor McDowell: Normally it's $1399, but with a mighty blow from Luke, here... Whoa! That old price is down for the count! It's yours for only $1299! Heavyweight furniture at featherweight prices.
Tables! Chairs! Sofas! Lamps! Love seats! You name it! At McDowell's, if we can't beat the competition, we'll throw in the towel!
Director: [o.s.] Cut. Cut. Who is that? Get him out of there.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. It was a little... Was l... Okay, take two.
Sharona: Oh, my God.

Adrian Monk: Let it go. It's a coincidence.
Sharona: You think it's just a coincidence that your hero, Tonday, drinks chamomile tea?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I do. I love these sneakers.
Sharona: Oh, I see. I see. Whenever I think of something, it's just a coincidence. Whenever you think of something, it's a work of genius.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

Lieutenant Disher: You're thinking Tonday.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. Their times don't match up exactly.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, then who?
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Here's my idea. Let's say there were six runners.
Lieutenant Disher: Six?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Tonday, McDowell, and these four guys: Harvester, Blanchard, Crowe and Davidson. They pass the chip back and forth among them. They were all running in the vicinity and...
Lieutenant Disher: Like a conspiracy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, no. I've worked the time out on this graph. Passing it back and forth, the time works out almost exactly. What do you think?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, this is worth looking into, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's all... No, it's not. It's insane. There is absolutely no connection between those six men.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, you're right. It's I was just playing devil's advocate with that.

Sharona: It's okay. I'll do it. Give me a boost.
Adrian Monk: What?
Sharona: Just put your hands like this.
Adrian Monk: You're gonna step in my hand?
Sharona: That's how you give somebody a boost. Come on.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Sharona: Adrian, that chip is the only thing that connects him to the murder. If he finds it, he'll destroy it and then we can't nail him. Give me a boost!
Adrian Monk: Let's just think. Maybe we could build a little ladder.
Sharona: Out of what?
Adrian Monk: You know, branches and rocks.