Kurt Pressman: It just stopped working?
Natalie: He cleaned the filter.
Kurt Pressman: You're not suppose to clean the filter.
Adrian Monk: I know that now.
Kurt Pressman: We wrote it as big as we could in the instruction book. It was the biggest font we had.
Adrian Monk: It was big.

Adrian Monk: So this is- This is where you invented it?
Kurt Pressman: Yes, sir. Worked on the prototype for five years.
Natalie: Five years?
Kurt Pressman: Well, you know what Thomas Edison said. Invention is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
Adrian Monk: I have a theory, I think Edison said that to explain his B.O. [laughs]
Kurt Pressman: I need a Phillips-head.
Adrian Monk: You know, the perspiration...

Kurt Pressman: I gather from the lieutenant that you don't think Richard died of natural causes.
Natalie: We can't talk about the case, you understand.
Kurt Pressman: You mentioned another case, a janitor you feel might be connected?
Adrian Monk: It's possible. It's a work in progress.
Natalie: Yeah, Mr. Monk always says it's a work in progress just before he figures it all out.
Kurt Pressman: Really?

Adrian Monk: How does she look?
Kurt Pressman: Well, you were right, it's the filter. I can't replace it now. It will take a couple days.
Adrian Monk: Friday?
Kurt Pressman: Friday is Richard's funeral.
Adrian Monk: What time?
Kurt Pressman: Noon.
Adrian Monk: So you're home when, 2:30, 2:45?
Kurt Pressman: How about this, I'll call you.
Natalie: Yes, that sounds great. Thank you, so much, for letting us just drop by. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Yes, and God bless you and your work.

Natalie: All right, how about this. It won't be a party. I mean, not technically, it'll just be me and Julie. We'll come over tonight with a birthday cake and a couple candles?
Adrian Monk: I don't want a cake.
Natalie: OK, fine, uh, how about a cupcake? One cupcake and one candle.
Adrian Monk: Crumbs.
Natalie: OK, a plastic cupcake, a picture of a candle, and I promise we won't have any fun at all.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on car phone] Are you guys OK?
Natalie: We're being followed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is it a black SUV?
Monk & Natalie: Yes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nevada plates?
Monk & Natalie: Yes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, stay calm. We just got word that somebody put out a $20,000 contract on your life.
Adrian Monk: A contract?
Natalie: On both of us, or just him? [gunfire] What was that?
Adrian Monk: Those were gun shots. Go!
Natalie: Which way?
Adrian Monk: Away from the bullets.

Man: Come on out, both of you. Let's see your hands. Hands up. Got any last words?
Natalie: Yes, I do. There's something I wanna say. Happy birthday, Mr. Monk.
All: Surprise!
Natalie: Gotcha!

Lieutenant Disher: So, were you surprised?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. Yes, I was.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I cannot believe you got him in that dumpster.
Natalie: I know. You guys were great. Where did you get that SUV?
Lieutenant Disher: The impound lot.
Adrian Monk: Ah, very funny, very funny. With the car chase and the gunshots. Very amusing. And when the guard got shot, that almost looked real.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that was real. We had to kill the guard.
Lieutenant Disher: We had to make it look authentic.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughs] It was fake blood.
Lieutenant Disher: He's right there.
Adrian Monk: I knew it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, make a wish.
Adrian Monk: Okay. You loosened your belt.
Uniform Officer: I'm making room for the cake.
Adrian Monk: [to Pressman] You loosened your belt.
Kurt Pressman: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: Your tool belt. It didn't fit, and I saw you loosen it. You didn't even know what tool to use. It wasn't your belt. Was it? I know what happened. I know the whole story. The janitor, Bradley Foster, the engineer from MIT. He was the real inventor. He took the idea to Richard Meckler, which made sense. Meckler was a patent lawyer in that same building. Self-cleaning vacuum. The fourth greatest invention since the dawn of man. Meckler knew it would be worth a fortune. You and Meckler were old pals. You were in it together. He killed Foster in the trash compactor, and you were the beard. You were the phony inventor. Meckler was greedy, but you were greedier. You decided you didn't need a partner so you killed him. You poisoned him at that reception.
Kurt Pressman: I poisoned Richard Meckler? How? You were there. So were you.
Adrian Monk: You brought him his drink. It must have been in the drink.
Kurt Pressman: I drank from it, remember? From the same glass.
Adrian Monk: The ice cubes. The ice cubes. Mine are square. These are round. So are yours. It must have been in the ice cubes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'll take that.
Adrian Monk: That's how you could drink from the same glass. The ice hadn't melted yet.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, cuff him.
Cowboy Hank: Don't need handcuffs. There you go, son, take him away.
Adrian Monk: Cowboy Hank!
Natalie: He was available. Can you believe it?
Cowboy Hank: Sorry I'm late, buckaroos. Who's the birthday boy?
Adrian Monk: I am.
Cowboy Hank: Well, ride on my saddle, happy birthday, son.

T.K. Jensen: Well, never a dull moment.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, give me another chance. I want to have dull moments with you. How about Saturday night?
T.K. Jensen: Okay.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And Sunday night?
T.K. Jensen: Sunday night too? I don't know. I mean, maybe we ought to tap the breaks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry, but my breaks are shot. [T.K. laughs] And, besides I don't want to slow down. I haven't felt... Hell, I have- I have never felt like this. And I don't even know your name.
T.K. Jensen: It's Trudy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Your name is Trudy?
T.K. Jensen: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No wait, your- Your name's Trudy? That's not gonna work.
T.K. Jensen: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it's a long story. Let's just stick with T.K., okay. T.K. is cute.