Arvin: [on the phone] Have you heard from Haley?
Alex: Isn't she with you?
Arvin: She was and then she suddenly ran off. I think- I think I may have bored her to the point of fleeing.
Alex: You could never bore anyone. You know who's boring? Professor Schaeffer.
Arvin: Agreed. He's insufferable. He never stops droning on. He's like the cosmic microwave background radiation.
Alex: [laughs] Because he's the constant noise you can't get rid of!
Arvin: Thank God somebody gets me tonight.

Cameron: Okay, open open mine first. It's- It's a kimono. I took an online origami class.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: It's a haiku.
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: "Friend, lover, husband. My life started when we met. You're my everything."
Mitchell: Aww.
Cameron: You are. Ooh, let's see what you wrote in yours. Aww. It's a tandem bicycle.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: It's so cute. "Happy V-Day. Love, M."

Cameron: We messed this up, we'll fix it.
Mitchell: Before the cake arrives? [scoffs] I've been wanting to bury my face in that all night long.
Cameron: How can you not hear this?

Claire: Joe, what is going on with this music? My God. [music stops] Oh. Where's Phil?
Joe: Who knows with that guy?
[Phil grunts]
Claire: Honey, what happened?
Phil: Mini Casanova locked me out.

Jay: [Spanish accent] My hotel in Ibiza was my favorite. I used to hang out with Telly Savalas, Lyle Waggoner, but the scenery here makes me like this one mucho more.
Gloria: You don't have to impress me with money or name-dropping. I think. I like you. Don't tell this to my madam, but I cannot accept any money from you.

Security guard: Excuse me, ma'am. Can I talk with you for a moment?
Gloria: Yes?
Security guard: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now.
Gloria: Huh?
Security guard: The hotel owner is very strict about women who do what you do.
Gloria: Ooh, you're gonna take me to a room where the hotel owner is going to give me a very tough, sexy talking to?
Security guard: No, you're gonna leave, or we're gonna call the police.
Gloria: Yes, call the police.
Jay: Gloria!
Gloria: I've been a very, very bad girl.
Jay: [normal voice] This is not a part of it. Sir, she is not a prostitute. This is my wife.
Security guard: That's what they all say. Please.
Jay: Yep, that's probably what I would've said.

Mitchell: Okay, okay. Let me talk right now. Okay, Amanda, Luke's an amazing guy.
Amanda: Why would I believe what you're saying now and not what you said before?
Mitchell: I don't know. I don't know. You know, maybe we were just being snarky because we were jealous of you guys.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: I mean, seeing Luke all dressed up, getting ready for a first date, the the excitement of being young and in love.
Luke: Easy.

Mitchell: I-I remember when I first met Cam-
Cameron: I'm Cam.
Mitchell: This is Cam. I knew I had met the person I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Amanda: That's what I want, too a relationship, someone who's gonna be there for me.
Mitchell: Luke feels the same way. I mean, this is a guy who is ready for commitment.
Luke: [hushed] We've really only texted.
Mitchell: Okay, well, when I say when I say to give Luke a chance, it's because I-I know what's at stake for you. I-I mean, you think it's amazing now? You can't even imagine what it could grow into. If you guys have even the smallest chance of having what we have you have to go for it.
Cameron: [voice breaking] Oh, my God, Mitchell. That is the Valentine's Day card I've always wanted.
Amanda: Aww. That was sweet. But Luke's gone.
Luke: [to cab driver] Drive until you hear a party.
Cameron: Okay. Well, you know what? Good luck, honey.
Mitchell: Bye, then.

Jay: Don't let me off the hook. If I did more, you wouldn't depend on your kids for those things. And if I learned anything from trying to pick you up tonight, it's how lucky I was to get you in the first place. I've got to do better. And I didn't think anyone could get any sexier than Raoul Matadore. I want to remember the exact moment I fell in love with you all over again. [smashes watch]
Gloria: What the hell have you done? That was my father's watch!

Phil: Hey, buddy.
Joe: Are you gonna yell at me, too?
Phil: Listen. The reason Claire was yelling at you was to protect my feelings. She knows I can't compete with you, which is, um which is why I have to ask you a really big favor. Can you pick another girl? I mean, you can have anyone you want, but Claire's all I've got. I'd be lost without her. I don't even know how I got her in the first place.
Joe: You are pretty silly.
Phil: What do you say? Dude to dude, will you back off?
Joe: Okay. Is Haley seeing anyone?
Phil: Easy.