Manny: Who's the lucky guy?
Haley: Oh, this professor from Alex's college. Normally, I wouldn't go out with a guy like that, but there's something about him.
Alex: "Something about him"? He's a genius. He's one of the most respected minds on campus, who also happens to look like the protagonist from a Jane Austen novel. He's totally out of your league.

Cameron: You know what? Tonight was supposed to be a romantic night. I-I don't want to watch him make his sweaty moves on his conquest of the week.
Mitchell: And some of them buy it. Under what gas leak is he finding these brain-dead bimbos? And have you heard how mean he's gotten? The other day, he called us "catty."
Cameron: He called us catty?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: You sure he wasn't talking about the dead cat on his head he calls a haircut?

Gloria: I am Gigi DeLaroca, businesswoman.
Jay: I am Raoul Matadore. I own this hotel. May I?
Gloria: Of course, Mr. Matadore.
Jay: Like Andy Garcia in "Ocean's Eleven."
Gloria: [hushed] I don't think you have to explain.

Jay: Tell me about you. What business are you in?
Gloria: Bueno. Well, let's just say, I'm just a lady that works in the evening. But I am not available to any man. So charm me, Mr. Matadore.
Jay: This hotel has the finest closets in all the land. We have lighted rods and soft-close doors.
Gloria: I was once married to a man that endlessly talked about closet. You're boring me very much.

Mitchell: Oh, my goodness. The waitress, she left a menu here. Now, I'm wondering if we should have got- [hushed] Oh, my God! Where's his date? Do you think he got stood up?
Cameron: Let me see that.
Mitchell: [normal voice] Right here.
Cameron: [hushed] It's so embarrassing. What do we even say?
Luke: They're not soundproof menus.

Jay: [on the phone] I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this crap. I need help!
Phil: It's okay. Underneath it all, it's just you and your wife.
Jay: That's the problem. I don't know how I got her to begin with. And I'm starting to feel if I can't pull this off, she's gonna figure out she got duped the first time.
Phil: Let me start by saying "thank you" for being so vulnerable with me.
Jay: I hate you.
Phil: Also, I'm no expert at this, but I have a friend here who is. [as Clive] Clive Bixby here. How can I make your night sexier?
Jay: If I can't role-play with her, I'm not doin' it with you.
Phil: Whatevs, Daddio. I'm gonna give the phone back to Philip.

Phil: [on the phone] Phil here. Listen. It's all about commitment and confidence. What's- What's your character?
Jay: Raoul Matadore, hotel owner, like Andy Garcia-
Phil: In "Ocean's Eleven" I love this for you! Did you go with the timepiece?
Jay: Yeah, I thought at some moment, I'd pull it out, smash it on the bar, and say, "I want to remember the exact moment I fell in love." I'm an idiot!
Phil: No. That silence is me picking my jaw up off the floor. We're all walking, and you're flying, mister.
Jay: Seriously? You think so?
Phil: 1,000%! But don't take it from me. [as Clive] Clive again. Mr. Matadore, I tip my turtleneck to ya.

Arvin: There is a theory that suggests the universe is so large that everything that can happen is happening all the time.
Haley: Do you smoke weed?
Arvin: Oh. [laughs] No. Sor- Sorry, I'm a little obsessed with space. I-I built my first Dobsonian telescope when I was 10.
Haley: You made a telescope? The only thing I've ever made was an ashtray for my mom that says, "Rub your butt here."
Arvin: [laughs] Oh, like cigarette butt.
Haley: Yeah.

Haley: NASA's giving you an award?
Arvin: I need a date. There's no pressure. But it saved the lives of a bunch of astronauts.
Haley: Wow, you've done a lot.
Arvin: Well, I'm sure you've had your share of accomplishments.
Haley: Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course. [stammers] Let's see. There was, um... College.
Arvin: Uh-huh.
Haley: Nope. Nope. That is a- That is a bad road. Well, uh, uh, okay, so professionally, I've been kind of sort of dabbling in, like, a lot of different... Pass. Um I-I-I-I once flew next to the bass player of The Killers. Uh, you know, it just kind of looked like him. Is there a bathroom? Here, I'm just gonna find it myself. No big deal. I'm fine. I'm- I'm great.

Alex: So, are you seeing anybody new?
Manny: No, I didn't even make my mom a Valentine's card this year.
Alex: It's alarming that I asked about dating, and you went right to your mother.