Arvin: Yeah, there's a new moon, so it's the perfect night to observe faint star clusters. And right in the middle, there's a variable star that I discovered. It's right next to a white dwarf.
Haley: [gasps] Oh, I don't think you're allowed to say that anymore.
Arvin: Yes, tricky times we live in.

Luke: And I thought my date was cold.
Mitchell: What? No. Cam knows what I mean.
Luke: Cam knows you are mean?
Cameron: You were more effusive about tonight's menu than you were in my card. "The molten chocolate cake looks slutty and delicious." Would it kill you to say that about me?

Luke: I know what happened. She walked in, saw me for the first time, and thought I was hideous. I've really been struggling with my hair lately.
Mitchell: No, no, stop it. You have great hair.
Cameron: If it worked for Sheena Easton, it can work for you.

Mitchell: We're Luke's uncles.
Amanda: You're his uncles?
Both: Uh-huh.
Amanda: And you said he put sweaty moves on brain-dead bimbos?
Luke: Okay, hadn't heard the specifics.
Cameron: Okay, you know you know what? We d- We didn't mean any of that. We're gay, and gays are snarky. It's a cultural thing. You know how, like, you're Italian? [Italian accents] Italians talk a lot with their hands, right [normal voice] and are much looser than one would imagine for Catholics.

Security guard: Well, I guess you didn't do anything wrong by hotel rules, but based on my personal belief system-
Jay: We're not looking for any input. Thank you. I can't believe I took romantic advice from Phil, a grown man I've seen in lederhosen at least three times.

Gloria: I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at Joe because he didn't make me a Valentine.
Jay: So your 6-year-old kid doesn't give you a card, you get so mad, you throw a tire iron through the windshield. It's got to be deeper than that.
Gloria: Manny, for the first time ever, didn't make me a Valentine's, either.
Jay: That's not deeper. That's just doubling down on the same disturbing thing.
Gloria: Disturbing? When Manny was 5 years old, he told me that he would forever be my Valentine's. Promises were made. I will not be ignored! Okay, yeah. That sounded weird.

Jay: [answering phone] Hey, Phil.
Phil: Jay, where are you? What are you doing?
Jay: I'm just walking into my house.
Phil: Stop! Don't you take another step!
Jay: What the hell are you talking about?
Phil: Claire just told me your Valentine's plans for Gloria. You're walking into a buzz saw!
Claire: [tires screeching] Get in.

Jay: What am I looking at here?
Claire: Nothing.
Phil: Oh, it's a role-playing thing we do on Valentine's. It bumps the lovemaking up a notch.
Claire: Phil, why?

Phil: You need to step it up tonight.
Jay: How? By dressing up in costumes like weirdos?
Claire: It's not weird, Dad. It's fun.
Phil: Yeah. Tonight, we get to be 17 again, when we were just a couple of innocent, wide-eyed virgins. [chuckles]
Claire: [to Jay] Shut up.

Jay: I'm not doing it.
Phil: Today, when Gloria found out what we were doing, she said, [as Gloria] "Damn it, Phil. You are so good at Valentine's. I wish Jay was as sexy as you."
Jay: She never said that.
Phil: [normal voice] I'm paraphrasing.