Phil: [imitates static on video chat] Come in, Florida. Over. Mom? Dad?
Frank Dunphy: Hello, Philip.
All: Merry Christmas Eve!
Frank Dunphy: Merry Christmas Eve!
Phil: A little- Little lower, Dad.
Frank Dunphy: [deep voice] Merry Christmas Eve!

Cameron: Andrew. Ensemble. Uh, I know it's no accident that you're here on my street tonight. And I- I just wanted to say to you all that you sound great. And merry Christmas.
Andrew: Wow. Even your apology is off-key.
Scott: Not cool, buddy. [drops Santa sack, decks Andrew] Well, I should, uh, probably scoot.
Cameron: But-But- But what about forgiveness?
Scott: You were nice. He was naughty.

Phil: [on video chat] Hey, Pops, here's the tree. And, uh, there-there's the, uh- there's the ornament you sent us.
Claire: Right here. Right here.
Phil: There are the stockings, hung by the chimney by Claire.
Frank Dunphy: Ah! Still funny, Son.

Manny: Are you crying?
Jay: What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.
Gloria: Manny, miamor, I need you to help me in the kitchen.
Jay: We gotta finish this first, Gloria. The kid's never seen Miracle on 34th Street.
Gloria: That's because he always spends Christmas in Colombia with my family. And all we see there is Salazar and El Oso Save Christmas.
Jay: Sounds like a classic.

Jay: What the hell is that? What the hell is that? [Manny and Gloria laugh]
Manny: Inocente!
Jay: What the hell?
Manny: When you told me we were going to watch this movie, I got a joke copy from the Internet. You are the inocente!
Jay: Well, maybe I'm a little confused right now. What is this "inocente" stuff?
Gloria: In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition. The one that is fooled is the inocente!
Jay: We tell practical jokes on April Fool's Day, so do not do that again. [Gloria and Manny laugh] "Inocente." Does it do it again? Ah, it's ruined.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Three years ago, I formed a caroling group. We were known as The Greensleevers. We would perform at charity events, hospitals-
Mitchell: And they were very, very popular.
Cameron: Uh, last year, one of my carolers, Andrew, staged a little coup. And he, um... [walks out]
Mitchell: They kicked Cameron out of the group.

Andrew: Thank you. We're the New Greensleevers.
Cameron: [to Mitchell] The New Greensleevers? Is there a slap mark on my face? I mean, why is Edna singing the low harmony? It's like people are applauding out of shock.

Claire: This is unacceptable, and I want to know who did this. Hmm?
Phil: Nobody, huh? I guess the couch did it to itself. Guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and then it burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.
Claire: If whoever is responsible doesn't come forward, your father and I are just gonna have to punish all three of you.
Haley: What?
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: That's not fair!
Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
Claire: No.
Phil: Or the smoking. No one wants to confess, huh? No? That's fine, 'cause you know what happens next? We cancel Christmas!

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids.
Phil: [chuckles] One time I told Luke that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed.
Claire: Phil's problem is follow-through.
Phil: We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of the goldfish bowl.

Jay: Okay. Tonight, 9:00 sharp, we open one present each. Pajamas, which we sleep in. Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.m., Manny, on the stairs for the Christmas picture. Then we open presents.
Manny: In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up till morning.
Jay: I'm sure that they do, but as you'll notice from the absence of goats in the street, we are not in Colombia. Come on! I'm kidding.