Claire: This is unacceptable, and I want to know who did this. Hmm?
Phil: Nobody, huh? I guess the couch did it to itself. Guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and then it burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.
Claire: If whoever is responsible doesn't come forward, your father and I are just gonna have to punish all three of you.
Haley: What?
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: That's not fair!
Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
Claire: No.
Phil: Or the smoking. No one wants to confess, huh? No? That's fine, 'cause you know what happens next? We cancel Christmas!