Haley: Now, Mom, that's my favorite sweater. I just got it.
Claire: You know what you girls need to learn to do? You need to learn to share. Because that's what sisters do. All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater. Right, Alex? Hmm?
Haley: Okay, fine. Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy T-shirt the one with the guy from Back to the Future on it.
Alex: That's Albert Einstein. And it is not nerdy.

Claire: [aside to camera] More than anything I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. I want them to share clothes and do each other's hair and gossip about boys, like I used to do with Mitchell.

Jay: [aside to camera] I went to a funeral last Saturday and it got me thinking about where Gloria and I were gonna end up after we die.
Gloria: Yeah, it's been a fun week.
Jay: I don't like loose ends. So I made a few calls. I found these people selling a couple of primo plots in the best cemetery in town. Not that I'm gonna go there anytime soon.
Gloria: Don't be so sure. With all that bacon that he eats.
Jay: Well, I gotta give my cholesterol pills something to do.

Manny: So I heard you had a rough time today.
Jay: Yeah, well...
Manny: Remember the days when we thought we'd live forever?
Jay: Don't you wanna go play?
Manny: When do I ever play?

Mitchell: Mmm. Mmm. I don't care how much they promote it. Kale is a garnish. It's not ready to anchor a meal.

Jay: This is it. Ta-da!
Gloria: What is "ta-da"?
Phil: I'm just saying this is it. Ta-da.
Gloria: "Ta-da" is when you do a flip or where the magician cuts the pretty lady in half, not when you show someone where you want to shove their dead body.

Haley: Hey, Mom, I need some money for lunch. We're all gonna go- Oh, my God! Take off my sweater! Mom, tell her to take it off!
Claire: Alex, take it off.
Alex: Last week she wore my sweatshirt without asking.
Claire: That is true.
Haley: Oh, please, that was an honor for your stupid old sweatshirt. It was the first time the top half got any exercise.

Cameron: Hey, Daddy. How was the farmer's market?
Mitchell: Well, it was great. But guess what the new spinach is.
Cameron: Um, radicchio?
Mitchell: Kale.
Cameron: No!
Mitchell: I know. I was just as blown away as you are.

Cameron: Oh! Well, I guess we're going to have to adopt [claps], yay, a new attitude towards kale. Maybe we'll even adopt [claps] a new vinaigrette. Adopt. Yay! [claps]
Mitchell: Okay, what's going on here?
Cameron: I'm taking the negative charge out of the word "adopted." [claps] Yay.
Mitchell: What did Oprah do now?
Cameron: She had a girl on who at 16 found out that she was adopted and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper and not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: All right, go get your gavel, Judge Judy.
Mitchell: No, not at all. I'm adopting - ah! - a tolerant attitude toward your flights of lunacy.
Cameron: Adopting! [claps] Yay!

Haley: You better not spill anything on that. Okay, dork?
Alex: Relax. Half the 11th grade's been inside this sweater.