Cameron: Did you hear that? Waitress is flirting with me.
Mitchell: No, no. She's not flirting with you. She's- She's trolling for tips, okay? She totally knows you're gay.
Cameron: How would she know I'm gay?
Mitchell: Uh, maybe it's the way you ordered a drink-a-doodle-doo.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Cam has this crazy theory that if he were straight And Julia Roberts were single, they'd be dating.
Cameron: It's not crazy. I met her once at an A.I.D.S. walk, and our chemistry was palpable.
Mitchell: No, you handed her a bottle of water.
Cameron: And her fingers lingered.
Mitchell: Because you wouldn't let go.

Cameron: I could totally pick up any woman in here.
Crispin: If by that, you mean lift her off the ground, then yes, I'll give you that.
Cameron: I for sure could be a womanizer.
Mitchell: Or you could be someone who just stepped out of a machine called the womanizer.

Phil: I'm telling you, you are gonna love this bad boy. You know what can't climb trees?
Luke: Raccoons?
Phil: Worries. Raccoons can and will get up here, so don't leave any food, or they'll get territorial and attack.

Haley: What difference does it make? I've lived a boring, sheltered, pathetic life.
Claire: I am sorry we have made things too easy and comfortable for you.
Haley: Oh, you should be! It is all your fault! You have shielded me from everything interesting and dangerous!
Claire: You are blaming me because I kept you from getting hurt?
Haley: Gaby's mom's a hoarder. That essay practically writes itself.

Jay: Hey, you wanna go out and grab some dinner before the fight tonight?
Gloria: No, thank you.
Jay: Wanna eat at home? I'll grill some steaks, open a bottle of wine.
Gloria: Whatever you want, because I'm not going to be here.
Manny: She's going salsa dancing without me.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, I told you, it's a 21 and over club.
Manny: A forbidden dance floor. Only makes me want it more.

Jay: Wait a second. You're going dancing with Shorty and Darlene?
Gloria: Yes, because even though he's old like you, he still likes to have fun.
Jay: We like to have fun. Last week I took you to dinner, went to the boat show, got some sherbet?
Gloria: And we were home by 8:30 with no boat.
Jay: What do you want from me? I don't like dancing.
Gloria: I don't like sherbet.
Jay: Yeah, right. How about coconut?
Gloria: Who doesn't like the coconut, hmm? Who?

Manny: Back straight. Okay. Do as I do. Other leg. Okay, stop marching. You're dancing, not invading Poland.

Cameron: Katie, you're an amazing woman. You're smart, you're beautiful, and how fun is that handbag? This is gonna come as a little bit of a shock. I'm fairly gay. I don't know why I said that. I'm- I'm totally gay. Just gay.
Katie: You're telling me you're gay?
Cameron: Yeah.
Katie: Why?
Cameron: I was born that way. I mean, you know, it's just-
Katie: No, why are you telling me? I mean, I know you're gay. It's obvious.
Cameron: Well, it's not that- It's not that obvious.
Katie: Well, yeah. The way you talk and walk and dress and your theatrical hand gestures.
Cameron: I do not have theatrical hand gestures. Okay, maybe I am moderately expressive. But why would you give me your number?
Katie: Oh, because I want a gay friend. Someone I can dish with, give me guy advice, and I can shop with.
Cameron: Those are totally offensive stereotypes.
Katie: We could go see Julia Roberts movies together.
Cameron: I know her, and she's as nice as she seems on screen.

Phil: [aside to camera] So I guess I was wrong when I said once you get older, it's harder to make new friends. Andre, it turns out, is an orthopedic surgeon, handy with tools, and a great guy to hang out with. Plus he's a badass black man that gives me extra street cred. That's his joke. He's my brotha from a different motha.
Andre: What was that?
Phil: Different-
Andre: That's not it.
Phil: What is it?
Andre: It's "brother from another mother."
Phil: Brotha from anotha motha-.
Andre: Slow down. Slow it down.
Phil: Brotha from another motha.
Andre: Forget it. Don't- Just don't say it. Forget it.