Phil: I don't even get some of Sal's remarks here. "Marriage is like a freeway messy, but if you communicate, it's so worth it."
Claire: Honey, that does not say "freeway."
Phil: Oh, I can't use any of this, but I don't want the whole ceremony to be generic. There needs to be some magic in it.
Claire: Well, you can read a poem or maybe...
Phil: Hold on. Back up. I like your last idea a magic trick.
Claire: I did not suggest a magic trick.
Phil: After all, what's better than magic to symbolize the wonder of marriage?!

Manny: Excuse me. I'm talking to you.
Luke: Yeah, yeah. They looked good on you in the store, but now you're not sure.
Manny: That was the topic 10 minutes ago. Well, maybe if I stapled the sports page to my head, you'd pay attention.
Luke: As long as it covered your mouth.
Manny: What?
Luke: Nothing.

Cameron: The butterflies are eating me!
Pepper: Well, who told you to jostle the crate?!
Mitchell: Oh, blah. One got in my mouth.
Pepper: What a bunch of babies.

Luke: Hey, you want to go out and do something fun after this thing?
Manny: No, I was thinking about staying in tonight and spending some time with Joe.
Luke: Ugh, you never want to do anything since that baby came along.

Haley: Um, look, I didn't come here for coffee. Andy, I don't think it's a good idea for you to get on that plane. I don't think Beth is worth it.
Andy: You don't even know Beth.
Haley: I think I do. I think I've been her. Let me guess. For every 10 letters you write, she writes one. She's always the one who ends the phone call. You happen to mention when your birthday's coming up because you know deep down she's already forgotten it. Meanwhile, she gives you just enough to keep you on the hook. [answering phone] Hello? Of course I didn't leave, Mom. You walked past me two seconds ago. [to Andy] I'm just saying, you deserve better. [on phone] Oh, my god! I'm waving at you! Stay where you are! I'm walking towards you!

Phil: I-I need the rings.
Claire: For what?
Phil: To practice our trick. Come on, come on, come on.
Claire: Oh, honey, I don't know about the magic trick. Don't you think people should be focused on Cam and Mitch?
Phil: I'm hoping so. It's the perfect misdirect. Okay, here's how we're gonna do this. You hold the rings. I say, "They say the best marriages contain just a little bit of magic." We hold up our arms. You let go of the rings. They slide down the thread as if mysteriously floating... all the way... half the way to me.

[As Luke and Manny stand by Mitchell's and Cameron's "just married" car:]
Manny: I'm so glad we did this.
Luke: I know. Who were we kidding? It was so gonna happen.
Alex: [recording Luke & Manny] I can't get enough of this.

Jay: [on the phone] No, Mitch is fine. Still mad at me, though. You know how touchy he can be, Dede. Remember when we tried to cheer him up after his first ice-skating competition? How were we supposed to know third place is a good thing? Remember he tromped off across that muddy field in his skates? He sunk like a woolly mammoth. Hey, Dede, if you're around the 4th of July, you should come by and watch the wedding video. Oh. No, we're out of town in August. All right. Well, soon. Okay. Oh, Dede, I don't think I have your new- [call disconnects]

Cameron: Mitchell. Is this really how you want to get married?
Mitchell: Well, it's not ideal. No, people don't have any rice to throw because they're chewing it raw out of starvation. Half of our guests are on the lawn and [o.s. screams] there go the sprinklers.
Cameron: Okay, let's just call time of death on this.
Mitchell: All right, yeah. Hey, everybody, um, thank you so much for, uh, for dealing with all this today. It means a lot to us. But unfortunately, this is not gon-
Jay: Stop. You can't do this.
Mitchell: Ye, I'm way ahead of you, Dad, and thank you for stopping by.
Jay: What I mean is, you can't get married like this. You two deserve the kind of wedding you've been talking about nonstop for the last nine months.
Mitchell: What do you mean?
Jay: You bring it up every chance that you get.
Mitchell: I know what nonstop means!
Jay: Trust me, okay?

Mitchell: You can take your seat, Dad. We're about to start.
Jay: Actually, I thought you and I would take a little walk.
Merle Tucker: If he's doing it, I'm doing it. You coming, Barb?
Barb Tucker: You old sweet talker.
Gloria: Wait for me!