Gloria: What's going on here? I could cut the tension with my machete.

Haley: [aside to camera] Andy I started out pretty hot and heavy, but, uh, the last few weeks I've just been super busy, so I guess he's feeling neglected, and he's acting a little cold. I mean, a chuck on the arm? What are we, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer? [chuckles] Those are people, right?

Cameron: What? They didn't like the peanut-butter sandwiches?
Mitchell: No. No one would touch them after Ashley said, [as Ashley] "Crunchy?"
Cameron: Sh! What are you, crazy? She's right there.
Mitchell: Ugh! This is ridiculous. Are we really gonna let an 8-year-old dictate this party?
Cameron: You know how peer pressure is. I had an Ashley when I was Lily's age. She blackballed me from the cafeteria table, and then no one would sit with me. I had to eat outside with the class rooster. And then one day-
Mitchell: Okay, if this ends in another case of you almost eating one of your animal friends, I can't.

Alex: Why can't we remember this last piece? We just had it this morning.
Luke: Hey, guys. I know you're busy, but do you think being hit by lightning can make people smarter?
Alex: Get out of here.
Luke: Huh. Yeah. [starts writing on the whiteboard] It's probably just a myth. There's so much crazy stuff written on the Internet these days.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Turns out, when they figured it out the first time, the formula was in the background of a selfie I took.
[back:]
Luke: Anyway, if you don't think lightning can do that, it must not be true. After all, you are the smartest people I know. [drops the marker pen]

[aside to camera:]
Phil: There was an incident this morning at our annual neighborhood block party.
Claire: Cam usually provides the entertainment at these things, but he had Lily's birthday party, so Phil volunteered.
Phil: Who needs a Fizbo if you can have a Philbo?
[flashback:]
Phil: What?! I mean, where does it end? It's so long! It's comically long, when you think about it.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Thing is, Phil's terrified of clowns.
Phil: Just thought if I was the clown, I wouldn't be scared. Like how you can't tickle yourself.

Jay: I powered up all your essentials. Now I'm gonna go meet my buddies.
Manny: I see my espresso machine didn't make the cut, but I'll manage.
Jay: One of the guys I'm meeting was lost at sea once. Had to eat a jellyfish. I'll speak to him of your courage.

Lily: Hey, Ashley hates the costumes. You got to think of something else!
Mitchell: What do we do?
Cameron: Well, I don't know. Our friends are basically 8-year-old girls. What would they want to do?
Both: Dance party!

Claire: Oh, honey, you're gonna be fine. I can't believe you let him get struck again!
Luke: Again?
Phil: Don't worry about it, champ. I don't even think it hit him. Last time he smelled like aluminum.
Luke: Last time?!
Claire: Honey, your father and I are trying to talk.

Gloria: I'm just saying, you could tell him since you already peeped.
Claire: I didn't peep.
Gloria: Tell him that he has a beautiful body so at least something good comes out of the peeping.
Claire: Please stop saying that.
Gloria: When I see Luke naked, I am going to tell him, "Luke, you have a beautiful body."
Claire: "When"?

Gloria: What are you talking about? "Hero"? You're so much more than that. You have flaws. You fall down a lot.
You frighten yourself. You cannot even open a jar. You cry all the time.
Phil: I'm really ready for this to build into a compliment.
Gloria: The point is that you are comfortable with yourself, and you make people around you feel comfortable. They feel that they can talk to you. That's your superpower!