Alex: Okay, five Newtonian equations down. Only seven quantum mechanical proofs to go! We are cooking with C-H-4.
Maisie: Oh! laughs] Cooking with gas.
Luke: And they're both single, fellas.

Jay: You know, I totally forgot some of my Navy buddies are meeting downtown later for a little reunion at O'Brien's pub.
Gloria: Well, nothing special is happening here today, so you have permission to go.
Jay: Well, I don't really need your permission.
Gloria: Why don't you just keep quiet and take yes for an answer?

Gloria: Ay, there's my handsome, perfect, amazing boy!
Manny: Still not going on the class trip.
Gloria: Why are you being such a dummy? Is this because I-
Manny: Mom, I don't want to talk about it.
Gloria: Why am I the only one in this house that ever wants to talk about things?! [Joe crying] Ay, papi, what is wrong?
Joe: Not now.
Gloria: Okay, that's it. If the men in this house don't start talking to me, I swear to God that I will make life miserable for each and every one of you! [thunder claps] No, not yet.

Manny: Oh, don't tell me the power just went out! My Sleep Number bed is stuck on the nap setting.
Jay: Calm down. This is exactly why I sprung for a new generator. Which, you're welcome, just kicked in. Now, granted, it doesn't power everything. I had to make some hard choices.
Manny: Hmm. That's it? The bar and the pool table?
Joe: The frigerator's black.

Gloria: Okay, Jay, you're not leaving until you put power in the important things. I swear to God, don't make me more mad than I already am!
Jay: Can't I just do it when I get back? [thunder claps] Would you stop doing that?!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's Lily's 8th birthday, and we had a little backyard party planned. Hot dogs, some balloons... You know, I mean, we really just threw it together.
Cameron: Kind of like my birthday party last year.
Mitchell: Okay, you told me that you did not want me to do anything.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Ashley is the most popular girl in Lily's class. I mean, you invite her, yeah, but you never think she's gonna accept. No.
Mitchell: Something must have fallen through, or-
Cameron: The point is, she decides who's in and who's out. So we had to up our game.
Mitchell: Which was a fun challenge.
Cameron: Yeah, considering it had been a while since we'd thrown any sort of fabulous birthday party.
Mitchell: You begged me not to make a fuss. You said-
Cameron: Oh, because that sounds like me, yeah.

Joe: I can't open the jar.
Phil: Well, lucky for you your uncle- brother-in-law Phil is here.

Cameron: Okay, princesses, your castle awaits!
Jay: What gives?
Mitchell: The roads were starting to flood, so we were hoping to ride out the storm here.
Jay: Yeah, sure.
Mitchell: Also, Dad, we're hoping to keep the princess theme alive, so if you could pretend to be a-
Jay: Interested? No.

Mitchell: Okay, girls, let's get some music started here. Oh, God, Cam, there's no power.
Cameron: There's Cam power.
Mitchell: What? What is that?
Cameron: Well, had I listened to you and we not donated to NPR, we wouldn't have gotten this free emergency radio that we then re-gifted to Jay and Gloria.
Mitchell: I wouldn't call $19 a month free, but okay.
Cameron: [cranking] All right, let's get a little funk in here, ladies! [music starts, cuts out] Little more funky energy in this thing!
Mitchell: Got to warm up, you know? Got to get it warmed up!
Cameron: [radio starts up, stops] I don't know what's wrong with me. This is my butter-churning arm.