Claire: It's ironic. We always wanted a dog in this backyard and we could never have one.
Mitchell: Ye-Yeah. Manny got one.
Claire: Hmm. Manny gets everything.
Mitchell: Yeah. Hey, do you think Manny's gonna get a third of-
Claire: A third of what?
Mitchell: You know.
Claire: Oh. Uh, I guess. Sure. I mean, that seems fair, right?
Mitchell: Does it? Claire, does it?
Claire: Okay, we've probably had enough of this.

Glen Whipple: Oh, don't think about it. Just get it.
Phil: Hilarious, Whipple. I'm actually here with someone.
Glen Whipple: Then you finally did make something disappear.
Phil: She was here a second ago.
Glen Whipple: Of course she was. Just like that date you had on the final night dance of Junior Tumbling Congress.
Phil: There was traffic.

Gloria: I think I found something that is going to make my husband very happy. What do you think?
Phil: Oh, very happy, Gloria. Oh! Very happy.
Gloria: Okay, but don't go far away because I might need help with the zipper, okay?
Phil: Sounds good, with the zipper.
Glen Whipple: Wow. Phil. I mean, wow. That's your wife?
Phil: It would appear so. Great to see you, Glen.

Glen Whipple: I just always assumed you would marry Claire Pritchett.
Phil: You remember Claire?
Glen Whipple: Are you kidding? She was gorgeous. God, I was so jealous of you back then.
Phil: You were jealous of me?
Glen Whipple: Oh, man. Claire Pritchett, with the blonde hair and those brown eyes. Great smile. Oh, I can picture her smiling right now.
Phil: I can't.
Glen Whipple: I wonder who landed her. Lucky son of a bitch.
Phil: Yeah.
Gloria: Phil, I need you!
Phil: What now? Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I'll be there in a second. [turns around and Glen Whipple is gone] No! How?

Gloria: No, Jay! Don't come in here. You cannot see the cake. It's the bad luck.
Jay: I already saw the cake. I bought it while I was busy not fishing.
Gloria: No. Go to the bar. Go.
Jay: You never used to talk to me like that before we got that damn dog.

Cameron: I'll bet you just need a little practice. You know, when I was your age, I couldn't hit a balloon with a bat and my father took me out to the field and a couple of hours later, I was knocking the hide off that ball. It's one of the best days we ever had together.
Manny: Really?
Cameron: Yeah. I just bet you need some time in a batting cage. What are you doing this weekend? That'd be fun, huh?
Manny: That's a great idea. I'll ask Jay. He loves stuff like this.
Cameron: Oh. That'll be great for you guys.
Manny: Yeah. And thanks for your help today, Cam.

Luke: I don't think Grandpa's having the best time. He keeps going and getting more drinks.
Haley: Well, not every time. One time he went in to check on the women's basketball score.
Jay: The Sparks are up by eight if anybody cares.

Jay: You know what? I'm acting like a jerk. What am I, 12?
Luke: Hey.
Jay: So I didn't get to go fishing. Am I gonna pout about it? I still have my family, and you guys made such a big fuss. I love you all. So let's go get some cake and presents.

Gloria: Let's go, Jay. I bring your sexy phone.
Jay: Ah, you don't forget that.

Jay: You know what? Great party. Thank you all for coming. And I hope you forgive me. I'm gonna go upstairs, curl up with a Ludlum and call it a day.