Phil: [aside to camera] Glen Whipple my college rival. Captain of the cheer squad, winner of every robot battle. Every second I spent with the guy just made me feel worse about myself. The only thing I could compete with him in was close-up magic.

Mitchell: I still can't believe all the looks we got driving over here.
Claire: And yet you wore the hat the whole time.

Mitchell: Okay, that-that's trespassing.
Claire: No, it's not. We used to live here.
Mitchell: I don't think that does what you think it does.

Claire: Oh, God. Now what do we do?
Mitchell: Well, you could try telling him we used to live here.

Mitchell: They're never coming home. We need to call someone.
Claire: Use your phone. Mine's down there getting rabies on it.
Mitchell: No, I left mine in your car.
Claire: What?
Mitchell: Well, I didn't wanna ruin the line in my pants.

Mitchell: [yelling] Stop! That's ours! We're up here! Stop! [to Claire] He ignored me.
Claire: He didn't stop for the screaming sailor in a tree? Give me your shoe.
Mitchell: You think that wolf down there's gonna be afraid of a shoe?
Claire: No. No, I don't.
Mitchell: Wha- What are you doing with dad's wine?
Claire: Getting comfortable.
Mitchell: Eesh.
Claire: We could be up here for a really long time.
Mitchell: Whoa. Where did you learn how to do that?
Claire: Where did you get a sailor's suit on short notice?
Mitchell: Fair enough.

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello. Manny! Hey, how did it go with Tara?
Manny: It's still going on. The catch part went fine, mostly. I took a running dive into the dirt.
Cameron: Oh, well, did you at least catch the ball?
Manny: I was trying to throw the ball. I'm in her bathroom looking for Band-Aids.

Jay: [answering phone] Hello. She's not with me, Cam. I got her phone. Why are you crying? How do you get kicked out of a bakery? Well, that'll do it.

Cameron: [on the phone] I'm sorry to ask you to get your own birthday cake but I can't get ahold of any-anyone else.
Jay: Can't do it. I'm on my way to the lake, finally. Just get something at the grocery store.
Cameron: I am not getting you a grocery-store cake. Gloria asked me to handle this. She's gonna yell at me, Jay. She can be mean in Spanish.
Jay: Okay, fine. [to Stella] Let's wrap this up, Princess.
Cameron: Okay. Love you. Bye.

Claire: Do you remember the time you quit Cub Scouts and Dad got mad at you so you ran away up here?
Mitchell: Right. And you brought me my dinner up here and my comic books.
Claire: Yep. I think Mom and Dad would have been a lot more scared if you hadn't been running into the house to use the bathroom.
Mitchell: I can't go outside. Great. Now I'm thinking about it.