Jay: What the hell were you thinking? I'll answer that for you. You weren't thinking. You think that's funny, Popeye?
Mitchell: No.
Claire: Popeye.
Jay: I should be fishing, but I'm hauling my ass across town trying to save you two from a little dog.
Mitchell: At least we got to have a dog for a few minutes.
Jay: Here we go. You could show a little gratitude, you know. These pants are new. Climbing over that fence, I might have wrecked 'em. [Claire and Mitchell snicker] That's mature.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. We're sorry.
Claire: We're sorry.
Mitchell: Sorry you said "rectum."

Claire: I'm sorry, Dad, and we're so glad that you came-
Mitchell: Thank you.
Claire: And got us. That was very smart the way that you distracted the dog.
Jay: Twelve times a year I get sausages. That's it. What the hell am I gonna do till June?

Mitchell: We just need some candles.
Gloria: I-I must have in one of the drawers. Okay. Okay. Froot Loop necklace. Baby Jesus. Keys. Ay, I was looking for these keys. Baby Jesus. BB gun. More baby Jesus. Ay, another baby- Jesus, Stella, don't do that!

Cameron: Hey, Manny, I almost called you. How did it go with Tara?
Manny: Okay, I guess. I used every line you gave me and she totally ate it up.
Cameron: Well, then why just okay?
Manny: She wants to go on a date now, to the batting cage.
Cameron: Oh. Not so good with a bat?
Manny: I am, as long as I'm using it to roll out dough.

Cameron: So how was your day with Claire?
Mitchell: You know, actually, it was really great. I don't always think about it, but I was really lucky to have her to grow up with. I cannot imagine dealing with my crazy parents alone.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: Cam?
Cameron: Hmm?
Mitchell: I- I wanna have another baby.
Cameron: What would you think about a boy this time?

Phil: [aside to camera] I think I came up with a better idea.
Claire: Okay. My dad has a picture of me and Mitchell when we were kids standing in our old backyard. We're gonna re-create the picture.
Phil: I did the same thing last year for my parents for Christmas and it went over like gangbusters.

Claire: Come on, girls. TV off. It's your grandfather's birthday. We gotta start taking this seriously.
Mitchell: [entering] Permission to come aboard.

Jay: [aside to camera] My best birthday memory: I'm a teenager and for some reason I drag this boat out on the lake and for hours, I'm just lying there, fishing alone with my thoughts. Fantastic. That's all I want this year.

Cameron: She loves you so much. Just this morning she was looking at a picture of you and I swear she was trying to say your name.
Gloria: Really?
[aside to camera: Cameron shakes his head]

Cameron: Why? What's up, pal?
Manny: I'm going over to a friend's house where I may have to use this thing. I only used it once, and that was to take a torte out of the oven.
Cameron: Okay, well, first, let's loosen this thing up. So what's her name?
Manny: How'd you know?
Cameron: Well, you're pretending to be something you're not. Boys do that for girls. Or really dreamy boys.