Gloria: [aside to camera] In my culture, mothers are very clingy to their sons. In fact, the leading cause of death among Colombian woman is when their sons get married. But I'm not like that. I just want my Manny to be happy.

Luke: Hey, Mom, when was this from?
Claire: Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose Bowl.
Phil: Incredible game.
Claire: Yeah.
Luke: Mom, you look really pretty.
Claire: Thank you, sweetheart.
Luke: So what happened?
Phil: Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-
Luke: I mean, what happened in the game?
Phil: We got our butts kicked by Penn State. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. Good time, she wrote.

Luke: You can do it, Dad.
Phil: Okay. He looked like the drummer from Foreigner. A foreigner's from France. France rhymes with ants. Ants ruin a picnic. [answering phone] What's up, Nick?

Phil: Guess what? You said I couldn't sell this? Well, you're gonna be eating humble pie stuffed with crow and a big side of sorry, 'cause I just did. In your face, girl with the negative tattoo.

Claire: When I woke up this morning, I hated that car. And even thinking about it made me mad. But then when we were going through it Blankety, all that stuff I just- The thought of that whole part of our life driving away...
Phil: We can keep Blankety.
Claire: No. Look at them. Come on, a minute ago, they were babies. And now they're driving, and soon we'll all be dead.
Phil: Whoa. You're leaving out a few great minutes there. Retirement, old age cool chair that goes up the stairs.

Jay: I'm just sayin' the kid's gotta learn to let things go.
Cameron: Well, this is a touchy subject for Mitchell. He wants to feel like a regular Joe, like you and I. Oh, pardonnez-moi! I prefer the champagne Dijon to the standard yellow. You know, there are a few areas that define us as men like sports and construction. Mitchell just wants to feel like he's part of the man club.
Jay: Isn't that where you guys met?
Cameron: I know you're making a joke because you're uncomfortable, so I'll let it slide. And we met at an orgy.
Jay: Ohh!
Cameron: Come on.

Jay: I just think it's crazy, that's all. So what if he can't swing a hammer? Look at all he has done: law school, great career, providing for his family. That's manly too, isn't it? I mean, the classical sense.
Cameron: Well, yes. I mean, I think it also takes a big man to quit his career as a music teacher and raise a child.
Jay: You're a man too, Cam.
Cameron: Thank you, Jay. Wait! Garnish. We're men, not cavemen.

Manny: Besides, I think there's a girl I'd rather spend time with.
Gloria: Oh, that's so sweet. I'm the luckiest mother in the world.
Manny: [on cell phone] Hey, this is Manny. Is Alicia there?
Gloria: Who's Alicia?
Manny: She's a girl in my history class. We like to play Six Degrees of Sir Francis Bacon.
Gloria: You just tossed a woman aside then immediately you go to the next one?
Manny: No, I just-
Gloria: "I j-j-j-just," what? This is not the way you treat woman! Men are all the same! They break woman's hearts and they don't care! Men are all animals!
Jay: [entering] Hey, honey.
Gloria: Animal!

Luke: My stomach hurts.
Claire: Luke, honey, I told you not to eat so fast. Just sit back, relax, you're gonna be fine.
Haley: Ew! A spider!
Phil: Haley!
Claire: Haley, honey, you're standing on the back of Daddy's seat belt.
Phil: Oh, soft cheeses, I can breathe again.

Cameron: Need me to get you out of there?
Mitchell: This thing is not safe, Cam.
Cameron: Move to the back of the castle.
Mitchell: Yeah. No. I know the drill. Don't carry me out this time. I think it sends the wrong message to Lily.
Cameron: Well, the neighbors enjoy it.