Gloria: More toast, Manny?
Manny: Why won't you call me, Emma?
Gloria: More toast, Emma?
Manny: Do you have to be on all the time?
Gloria: Okay, I'm sorry. Who is this Emma?
Manny: She's in the show with me tonight. I'm thinking of taking a run at her.
Gloria: You don't take a run at a woman. You woo her. You make her feel special.
Jay: Hey, hon, take a look at this. It's a picture of my butt.
Gloria: And then when you get her, you can tell her whatever you want.

Gloria: Why do you do this?
Jay: I programmed it so my butt pops up when my brother Donnie calls. It's a clever way of saying my brother's an ass.
Gloria: Is it?

Jay: How you doing, you dumb son of a bitch?
Donnie: Hey, you old mick. Looks like you put on a few pounds.
Jay: Oh, you too. What, are you eating your hair?

Donnie: Oh, Gloria. Oh. What are you still doing here? There's gotta be an easier way to get a green card.
Manny: Uncle Donnie, are you coming to my school concert tonight?
Donnie: Well-
Jay: It's an hour, tops.
Donnie: Wouldn't miss it.

Donnie: You still think you can take me?
Jay: Is this all you got, huh?
Donnie: I'm gonna wash your mouth out with fist.
Gloria: [to Manny] I don't understand this relationship, Emma.

Manny: Hey, Emma. Doing the show, it feels like we've become like a little family, huh?
Emma: You mean like you're my brother?
Manny: No. No, I don't.
Luke: Oh, no! They're back! Dinosaur arms! This isn't a good time, Luke.
Emma: That is hilarious.
Luke: Half boy, half T. Rex. One foot in both worlds wanted by neither.
Manny: Luke, that's a great way to stretch out a shirt.

Cameron: Okay, okay. Break's over, everyone. Let's take it from the top. Listen, we're running 20 minutes long so we're gonna go ahead and cut the Bollywood number.
Delroy: Can I go? I'm late for soccer practice.
Cameron: You know who else missed soccer practice, Delroy? The cast of Rent. And now they have a Tony.
Luke: We have a Tony.
Emma: [laughs] You are so funny.
Manny: Seriously?

Donnie: Hello, ladies.
Jay: Hey, nice shirt. Do they sell men's clothes where you got that?
Gloria: That's funny because woman are so inferior.

Gloria: How could you not know that your own brother had a granddaughter?
Jay: I probably knew.
Gloria: How can you forget when he's family? I have 29 cousins, and I know them all. Rosa Marina, Gloria Maria, Veronica, Mariana, Jose, Vicente...
Jay: Okay, okay, okay. What's your point?
Gloria: You do the chair, you do the fighting but you don't know each other. It's sad.
Jay: Look, I may not talk to my brother the way you talk to your sisters but believe me, we're close in our own way.
Gloria: When was the last time that you saw him?
Jay: That's not easy 'cause he lives up... I don't know. See, I wanna say Buffalo.

Jay: Donnie, I'm trying to talk to you.
Donnie: Why? Why?
Jay: 'Cause that's what people do. Talk about things, like their lives.
Donnie: Ah, Irene opened her big trap. Look, I'm fine. It's not like I'm gonna die.
Jay: What?
Donnie: Yeah, they caught it early. I took the treatment. I'm clear for now. Come on, it's your shot.
Jay: Caught what early? Donnie, are you talking about [whispers] cancer?
Donnie: You don't have to whisper. I know I got it. You just get your prostate checked. By a doctor, not some guy you met on the Internet.