Pam: Y'all need to move that 'fridgerator in your hall. It is straight under little Cal's crib, and the noise is keeping him up, which is weird because he was conceived in a slaughterhouse.

Pam: They figure out what started that fire?
Mitchell: Yeah, they think it was the oven.
Pam: Well, that's dumb. I turned the oven off 'fore we went on our walk.
Mitchell: You did?
Pam: Yeah, 'cause I'm the only responsible person around here. [thudding, Cal crying] Aw, dang it! Cal rolled off the sofa again!

Pam: You're low on frozen mangoes. Put it on your list. Oh, and get me a box of lady sticks.
Cameron: What... What... What are you making?
Pam: I'm making one of your fruit smoothies.
Mitchell: Oh, Pam...
Pam: All right, I'm making one of your homosexual smoothies.

Manny: What are you doing?
Joe: This is awkward. I need a boy cave.
Manny: I'm not here, okay? You put a lock on the closet?
Joe: That's where I'm gonna put Santa Claus when I catch him. [whispering] Sleeping pills in his cookies.

Phil: On your left.
Alex: Is that Alex's old bike?
Phil: [chuckling] Yes, totally rebuilt. It only took me three months and two tetanus shots. She's been dropping hints about wanting some wheels.
Alex: Are you sure she didn't mean a...
Phil: Unicycle? No. She definitely said "wheels."

Manny: So, this is the place I'll call home for the next four years.
Jay: And because you're a theater major, probably the biggest apartment you'll ever have.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: There are two things I want to avoid my first day of school: getting caught leaving the shower in my aqua shoes, and a tearful goodbye. My classmates are gonna see me cry eventually. I'd prefer it be during a curtain call.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I am Colombian, so it's against my nature to give Manny what he wants: a cold, white-people goodbye. But I know he's sensitive, and he's having a hard time leaving the nest, so I'm gonna give it to him. Good luck, chum.

Haley: One gin and tonic. I hope you're not... driving. [chuckles] Sorry, that's usually a big hit with the golfers.
Rhonda: It was hilarious. But I'm trying to avoid laugh lines.
Haley: I get that. I don't want crow's feet, so I never squint, even if a cop is shining his flashlight directly in my eyes.
Rhonda: Once a week, I sleep in a wetsuit full of Vaseline. It shows.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: It was like meeting myself in 30 years. Turns out, I really held up.

Mitchell: I am loving this new smoothie kick. I-I feel like I've had more green vegetables today than my dad's had in a lifetime.
Lily: What I love about your smoothie kick is how much you talk about it.
Mitchell: Okay, if you're gonna be mean, be funny.

Jay: Gun to my head, my top three: cheddar, Swiss, gouda.
Gloria: As someone who has actually had a gun to her head, cheese is not what they're going to ask about.
Jay: And now crackers.