Dylan: Oh, hey, can you move Haley away from me and the twins? My present to her is the night off from Mommy duties, so...
Cameron: Okay, well, I would've appreciated a little heads-up, but it's a thoughtful gift, so...
Dylan: It's also free, which is helpful because I forgot my ATM pin last summer. Any chance I ever mentioned my four favorite numbers to you?
Cameron: No.

Mitchell: Do you really think that Cam's parents bought him a first-class ticket?
Haley: Aren't they poor? Don't they, like, eat plants and animals they find in their yard?
Mitchell: They're farmers, yes.

Cameron: Oh, and help yourself to a gingerbread person. They're both gluten and gender free.
Mitchell: Oh. Isn't they a cutie?

Haley: We gotta dig deeper. Get Cam's phone. Check his texts.
Mitchell: That's an invasion of his privacy. Plus, I don't even know his passcode.
Haley: Well, I just need his face. I break into Dylan's phone all the time while he's sleeping. Not that I need to. All he does is Google water parks.

Cameron: See, this is why I kept it a secret. Here I was, worried about you all ruining Christmas, and... now I've done it. I'm sorry, everyone.
Manny: You have no reason to be sorry.
Cameron: Yes, I do. I break up families. I'm Liz Taylor.
Mitchell: Why is it never a man?

Phil: I get it. I just wanted to bring a little joy to our country in this tumultuous time, but you're not from here, so maybe it doesn't matter as much to you.
Gloria: You see?
Phil: Yes. Yes. I'm sensitive. But I-I need this. New ideas, someone... someone to push up against me. And honestly, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have pushing up against me than you.
Gloria: Ay, Phil, it's been years. I can't pretend I don't hear those anymore.
Phil: Hear what?

Mitchell: Oh, look, sweetie. It says that this Missouri town has a lively art scene.
Lily: It says "ark scene." They're preparing for the Lord's next flood?
Mitchell: Oh. Fun.

Cameron: Guys, I am nailing my seating chart.
Lily: Can you not put me near Luke? I can't with the chewing.
Cameron: You are a spoiled city kid. I was 11 before I got to sit at the people table.

[aside to camera:]
Alex: Gloria's been working for my dad. He totally mentored her, and then the other day, I caught her interviewing with his competitors.
[flashback:]
Gloria: So, if I come on board, do I have to change my hairstyle?
Madge: We'll talk about it.
Evan: It's kind of our thing.
[As Alex packs up her laptop and gets ready to leave the restaurant, she turns around to find Gloria standing there]
Gloria: Word to the wise... I'm like the last five Matthew McConaughey movies. You never saw me.

Jay: [o.s.] I hate this damn scarf! I look like Anjelica Huston!
Gloria: [o.s.] Cam bought it! You wear it!
Jay: [enters] Hey! Love the scarf! I feel like a movie star!