Phil: I'm sorry, Gloria. No one calls my wife loose. In her day, did she enjoy the company of a few men? Sure. Is it hard to leave the house without running into one of her ex-lovers? Depends on what city we're in.
Claire: Do you have an end to this?
Phil: Her body, her choices, all over this beautiful planet!

Jay: Why are we talking about Manny, anyway, when this is clearly Phil's fault?
Phil: What?
Jay: Well, I mean, you obviously didn't teach Luke about the gentlemen's code.
Phil: I did so! Never leave a high-five hanging, no hug is too tight if you slap the guy's back...
Jay: It's never steal a broad from a friend, never let him grow a mustache unless they're a first responder.

Manny: Hello, all. Forgive my somber drapings, but like Masha in Chekhov's "The Seagull," I am in mourning for my life. And don't worry. I don't want any trouble. Today is not about me. It's about family. Our family. And the deep, profound love we share.
Alex: [inspecting a cheese ball] Man, that's cheesy.
Manny: Maybe, but it's how I feel.
Cameron: Thank you, Manny, for reminding us all what's important and how this should be the most memorable Christmas. Manny, would you care for a champagne cocktail?
Manny: Please. I do love champagne. And maybe when I turn my back, Luke can put his tongue all over it. [sobbing] Everything hurts! [whimpers]

Luke: Okay. Punch me. I know it sounds crazy, but I think... [Manny punches Luke]
Lily: Whoa! Amazing!
Luke: I can't believe you did that!
Manny: Me neither. And it didn't make me feel better, by the way.
Lily: Maybe kick him or jab him in the eye.
Luke: Manny, I'm sorry. I wish it were someone else, but I really do care about Sherry. I go to sleep thinking about her. I wake up thinking about her. When I see her, it's like... my heart is smiling.
Lily: Wow. I didn't think this house could get any gayer.

Manny: Well, I care about her, too, and I want her to be happy. So... make sure she knows how you feel. She's the kind of girl who needs to hear that.
Luke: I don't know. I'm not good at that stuff. I'm better off just playing it cool.
Manny: [sighs] Can't believe I'm saying this... but I can help. I'll talk, you type.
Luke: [scoffs] Are you being nice to make me feel worser?
Manny: Okay, I'll talk and type.

Jay: Listen, before you run, I have a professional opportunity I'd like you to think...
Claire: I-I'd love to hear it. J... I'm just a little stuffy. Let me get some air.
Jay: Are you aware that there are 15 times more dogs in the world than Italians?
Claire: Feels offensive. Not sure why.
Claire: Should we be mingling?
Jay: Listen. I'm not gonna do a big spiel. Suffice to say that science has shown us that having a well-rested dog improves our earning potential more than attending college.

Claire: It's because novelty dog beds are stupid. Dogs don't care if they're sleeping in a pineapple!
Jay: The Piña Colassie got four woofs on Whelp!

Gloria: Phil... I took that interview because I love you, and I don't want to screw up our relationship. [whispers] I don't want to end up like Claire and Jay.
Phil: Please. You and I have been doing great.
Gloria: Because I hold back. I have strong opinions that I don't tell you because I want to get along.
Phil: Like what? You can tell me anything.
Gloria: Like that bus bench sign. I think it's goofy. If we have 20/20 vision, why are we wearing glasses?

Jay: Look at this. 10 seconds ago, that was you. I gotta make sure he and I don't need a second chance.
Claire: Yeah. Well, watch out. Pretty soon, he's gonna be working for you.
Jay: You know, I don't know if he has the head for it. He pitched a dog bed the other day in the shape of a cat. I mean, who wants to sleep in your enemy? It would be like me napping in Jon Voight. I told you that story...
Claire: Yeah. Yeah.

Luke: Oh, my God. Sherry broke up with me.
Phil: Oh.
Luke: After I texted her all those nice things you told me to say to her.
Manny: Oh, yeah, that's right! She hates it when guys move too fast. Oh, well. Better to have loved and lost.
Gloria: There's my Colombian boy!