Haley: Dad, is there something you want?
Phil: Yes, there is. To connect with this girl right here. Now, come on. Pretend I'm not your dad. We're just a couple of friends kickin' it in a juice bar.
Haley: What's a juice bar?
Phil: Okay, a malt shop. Whatever.
Haley: Dad, I don't-
Phil: No. Who's dad? Who's dad? I'm- I'm Marcus from biology. Hey, Haley. How's it going with you and Dylan? Has he tried anything inappropriate with you, girl?
Haley: [answering cell phone] Hey. No, nothing. Just talking to some dork I met in a malt shop.

Claire: Hey, Mitchell. What's up?
Mitchell: Hey, just- Just in the hood. So, do you- Do you remember how mom gave up a career to raise us?
Dede: Promising career.
Claire: Oh, god.

Dede: Claire?
Claire: Mom.
Dede: Why so long?
Claire: Mm, I know. I know, it's weird when we haven't talked for a while.
Dede: I mean your hair. Well, if I can't tell you, who will?

Mitchell: So, mom wants you to know that she's very sorry about the incident. And- And she wants us to forgive her.
Claire: Oh, very nice of her to say that through you.
Dede: Do you see? The sarcasm is so hurtful. Like a whip.

Mitchell: So I was thinking, would it be okay if she maybe joined us for dinner tonight?
Dede: Because it may be the last time you ever see me.
Claire: Okay, wait. What are you talking about?
Dede: Well, I'm- I'm moving to a far and dangerous place.
Mitchell: Canada, but, uh, she met a man named Chas.
Dede: Yeah. He's a logger.
Claire: Like a- Like a lumberjack?
Dede: No, he logs blood samples into a cholesterol study. Anyway, until I'm past this whole wedding debacle, I can't be intimate with him. We do things to each other. We use our hands.

Haley: She won't even let me go to a concert.
Claire: Overnight with her boyfriend. [Dede laughs] What are you laughing at?
Dede: Oh, karma's a funny thing, that's all. Remember Ricky?
Claire: Oh, god.
Haley: Oh, who's Ricky?
Claire: No one.
Dede: Ricky was your mother's boyfriend, And he looked like Charles Manson. And one night, she didn't come home until 4:00 in the morning.
Haley: 4? Wow. Wow, Mom, what were you and Ricky doing?
Claire: Nothing. We were doing nothing, and he was a very sweet boy, which you might have known if you bothered to get to know him.
Haley: Dylan's a sweet boy.
Claire: [scoffs] Dylan. Dylan is no Ricky. Ricky- Ricky was a poet.

Haley: Dylan writes songs. Awesome songs. And maybe you would know that If you "bothered to get to know him."
Dede: Ha! [laughs]
Claire: Okay, you know, first of all, I am not my mother. I don't judge people before I get a chance to know them. So you invite Dylan over to dinner tonight, and if he's as sweet and as kind as you say he is, then I have no problem considering letting you go to the concert after I do a background check on Uncle Toby.

Dede: That's very revealing.
Claire: That's my parenting style.
Dede: No, I meant your blouse.
Claire: Mom.

Claire: Wait, why don't you make her fix this Instead of you doing it, as usual?
Mitchell: Whoa. What's that supposed to mean?
Claire: Oh, you know, Mom makes a mess, and there's Mitchell to clean it up.
Mitchell: Okay, that is so not true. If - If anything, you're the one with the screwed-up relationship with mommy. With- With- With mom.
Claire: Wow, "mommy"?
Mitchell: No, I didn't say it. Damn it.
Claire: Ooh. Fine. Fine, she can come, but she's got to clear it with daddy.
Mitchell: "Daddy"?
Claire: I did not say "daddy." You said "daddy."

Dede: Oh, Mitchell, I know it's silly, but I'm a little nervous.
Mitchell: Oh, no. That's not silly. You should be.